Who ya gonna call?

There's one last hope left for New Orleans.

Mad Max.

The police department can't solve crimes, though Crescent City cops can do a wicked beat down on retired schoolteachers looking for smokes. Much of the city's political elite is going to be presiding over various penitentiaries' law libraries, as opposed to a benighted city's Katrina recovery.

The mayor not only is from Uranus, he's on Uranus.

AND WHILE street crime is looking for all the world like one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the city's district attorney did the Curly Shuffle right out of office after not being able to convict any of the few perps the cops actually could catch. And that was only after he pulled a reverse Wallace, decided the D.A.'s office was for Blacks Only and promptly got his office sued to the brink of extinction.

Which is where we stand now. Woo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo!

OF COURSE, The Times-Picayune has all the nyuk nyuk nyuk hilarity that's fit to print:

The Orleans Parish district attorney's office watched helplessly Thursday as about six of its bank accounts, including payroll, were frozen by a federal judge, the first step in seizing assets to collect on a $3.4 million job discrimination verdict brought on by former District Attorney Eddie Jordan's firing of 43 white workers in 2003.

"The mayor ignored us in his budget proposal," said Clement Donelon, the lead attorney for the plaintiffs. "I'm not sure how the city is going to ensure public safety by shutting down its DA's office."

No money has left the bank accounts yet, Donelon said.

Instead, the plaintiffs have embarked on a fact-finding mission to determine exactly how much the district attorney's office has socked away, asking Liberty Bank President Alden McDonald to disclose how much money is in accounts labeled "payroll," "FEMA" and "Crime Victims Assistant," as well as others.

But for now, the district attorney's office cannot touch the money, with payday approaching Nov. 15.

Keva Landrum-Johnson, acting district attorney since Jordan resigned Oct. 31, called the move "appalling" and lawyers for the office said it will only complicate talks to resolve payment of the judgment.

"I strongly urge the plaintiffs' attorneys to reverse this action and release these critical assets," said Landrum-Johnson on Thursday evening outside a Poydras Street high-rise where about 90 lawyers and 110 support staff employees work in temporary quarters since Hurricane Katrina ruined their office building.

The district attorney's office made the first payment on the $3.7 million judgment last week, a $300,000 check knocking down the debt to about $3.4 million. That payment, said Landrum-Johnson, came from a "cash-strapped office" eager to make a show of good faith toward the plaintiffs while buying some time for the office to figure out a way to find the rest of the money.

Kirk Reasonover, an attorney representing the office's role in paying the judgment, said the move has provoked a round of court action that only makes resolving the crisis more difficult.

"We don't know what accounts are subject to seizure," Reasonover said. "This action is trying to provoke a crisis by disrupting the criminal justice system. This has forced us down a road where discussions have become much more difficult."

Mayor Ray Nagin said the court action "threatens our recovery and the safety of our city," two years after New Orleans watched its criminal justice system crumble along with the federally built levees.

"Although the judgment is not against the city of New Orleans and the DA's office is an entity of the state," Nagin said, "I maintain my commitment to explore every possible option locally and at the state level to maintain the public safety of our city."

Donelon said he is not going after any trust accounts or child-support money, which is provided by the state to help the district attorney collect court-ordered child support to parents. About 50 people work in child support at the district attorney's office, while an additional 60 handle other support staff tasks.

With the legal move, Donelon made good on his promise to ensure that his clients get the money a federal court approved two years ago, as city leaders continue grasping at straws to figure out how to pay off the jury award that increases each month by about $20,000 in interest.

Donelon said he has felt ignored by all of the players at the negotiation table. But Landrum-Johnson said the office has kept in touch with the plaintiffs' attorneys. She said she met with the mayor, City Council, business community leaders and others on Wednesday to explore options "for finding a win-win solution."

Representatives of the district attorney's office already must attend a federal court hearing Wednesday to open its financial records and books to the court.

Donelon said his legal team made the move out of frustration, and said city officials who should be involved in the negotiations over the $3.4 million debt have not returned his calls.

Whether the legal attack is a warning shot or a sign of things to come remained unclear late Thursday.

Val Solino, the executive assistant district attorney, said because the accounts were seized at the end of the business day he could not say which accounts were involved and what effect it would have on the office.

Solino said office leaders are trying to make sure that all employees will be paid next week, when they are scheduled to get their next paychecks. "We are working hard and we are going to do everything we can to make that happen," he said.

YOU KNOW, the Chocolate Mayor really cracks me up. Them Uranians -- Uraniaites? -- is funny.

I like this quote especially, that the seizure of the D.A.'s office accounts "threatens our recovery and the safety of our city."

Excuse me, but wasn't the murder rate soaring and the recovery flagging long before the plaintiffs' lawyers got those accounts frozen? And who or what is responsible for that?

It couldn't be that when it comes to functioning civic culture, there is no there there, could it? And it couldn't be that too many of the city's residents are desperately poor, pretty much unemployable and utterly without hope for the future, could it?

And it couldn't be that the residents of New Orleans have been electing crooks and clowns to run their city for a long, long time now, could it? And it couldn't be that New Orleans public schools would have a tough time teaching the ABCs to Albert Einstein, could it?

And, of course, it couldn't be that there's a culture of corruption and fatalism there as ingrained as in the ripest of South American banana republics, could it?

Naaaaaaaw, that couldn't be it. It's those nasty ingrates who had the nerve to sue after getting cashiered for the crime of having the wrong color skin.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

And that's why Mad Max might be the only hope for the city that Curly built.