Showing posts with label beer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beer. Show all posts

Thursday, November 03, 2016

Harry and the Big W

Holy cow!

This Budweiser video following the Chicago Cubs' first World Series championship since 1908 is enough to make a Royals fan -- hell, even a Cardinals fan -- cry.

Would that Bud's beer was as damn good as its advertising agency.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Beer may be hazardous to your manhood

I could be wrong (though I really doubt it), but I think there's a metaphor for contemporary American society squirming around somewhere in this Ohio story.

Also everywhere in this story is a sharp sympathy pain down the groin of every living man . . . and probably a few dead ones, too.

Brace yourselves and read on. Or not.
Lorain Police say a homeless man was Life Flighted to the hospital after cutting off his penis.

Cops were called to the area of East 21st Street and Access Road Tuesday around noon after an unauthorized man was seen on CSX Railroad property.

Officers found the man with his hands and gym shorts covered in blood. He told officers that he had just cut his penis off. According to the police report, he said he tried to use an old rusty saw, but he used a broke bottle when the saw didn't work.

The man told police that "Busch (beer) made me do it."
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'd love to hear a contemporary Don Draper's sponsor pitch to the Busch beer people with that one stuck in his mind. And close to his heart . . . which you know if you're a Mad Men aficionado.
"Gentlemen, I'll probably never see you again, so I have to tell you something.
"I didn't enjoy Busch beer on a sun-splashed sandy beach with a blonde on each arm. That's what every American man would like to think of whenever he pops the top on a cold Busch. Get it? (leer) No, the truth is, I grew up in a whorehouse in Pennsylvania, and I was raised by a stepmother who didn't want me. 

"After I'd go through the pockets of johns while the whore were otherwise, shall we say 'entertaining' them, the girls would pay me off with a cold Busch beer. And I savored every golden drop of that cheap-ass beer because, gentlemen, your beer was the only thing that could kill enough of my brain cells -- dull enough of the psychic pain -- so I could somehow cope with growing up in a whorehouse with a stepmomma who couldn't care less if you lived or died, which, let me tell you, is kind of like cutting your own tallywhacker off with a busted beer bottle. Probably an old Miller High Life bottle. 

"Frankly, if I had my way, I'd tell you not to advertise your beer at all. Because if Busch beer is good enough to kill the pain of growing up in a whorehouse . . . if it's good enough to anesthetize you while you cut off your own tallywhacker, it will sell itself with no help from Sterling Cooper and Partners. 

"Gentlemen, thank you for your time. I'm going around the corner to get loaded."

Monday, February 06, 2012

As seen only on colorful Channel 2

There's a reason this Super Bowl ad Will Ferrell did for Old Milwaukee beer ran only on KNOP in North Platte, Neb. And, really, it's the funniest thing.

Let me explain something about
Channel 2 -- and, really, this is rich. See, back when I lived in North Platte in the early 1980s, KNOP had this really

UPDATE: The editors at Deadspin are such a bunch of tools. They entice the entire media universe to link to their YouTube video . . . then, after everyone does, they make it private, thereby breaking every embed. Watch fast. We expect them to copyright-flag this YouTube version any second now, concerned as they are about the legal rights of Old Milwaukee.

Stay classy,
Gawker Media.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Bad beer, funny ad

If it's cheap beer you must drink -- and who isn't in that boat nowadays, right? -- I'm a PBR and Schlitz guy.

Long ago and far away, the old man drank Dixie and Schlitz, and I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree (or whatever cliché you happen to prefer). Then again, if you're falling off the Bud Light tree, I don't know how much solace you can take even from a commercial as funny as this one.

I MEAN, if somebody gave me a case of Bud Light, I reckon I'd drink it, but I'd be bending an elbow and thinking of England. OK, Abita . . . but you get the idea.

So, Budweiser, just so you know, you know? I'll give some virtual airtime to your funny ad for bad beer, but Tokyo Rose used to spin the hottest Western hits in service of Tojo's war machine, too.

And that guy that looks kind of like me? I'll give him a Guinness to put his damn clothes back on.

I'm just sayin'.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The Curse of Homer Simpson be upon them

Instead of hounding preachers who criticize the gay-rights agenda and publishers who speak out against the Great White Jihad, why don't Canada's human-rights tribunals attend to some real violations of inalienable rights?

We're talking As Bad as It Gets, here.

FOR INSTANCE, this unspeakable horror perpetrated against the elderly, as reported by Reuters:
Beer maker Molson is turning off the tap and cutting off the supply of free suds to its retirees, the Toronto Star reported on Tuesday.

Molson, a division of Molson Coors, said it was looking to "standardize" its complimentary beer policy.

There are 2,400 Molson retirees in Canada and their free beer costs the company about C$1 million ($900,000) a year, the Star said.

Molson retirees in the province of Newfoundland will see their monthly allotment of beer fall from six dozen a month to zero over the next five years.
IF THIS ISN'T awful enough on its own merit -- in my opinion, far worse than anything right-winger Mark Steyn may have had to say about the booze-hating Mahometans in Maclean's newsweekly -- let me add this in hopes of prodding the Canadians into action.

Read carefully: Molson Coors is half-owned by Americans, who no doubt have, with imperial malice, exerted malign influence over their Dominion partners.

Now go get 'em, eh?

Saturday, August 02, 2008

When you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer

I tried Schlitz again after many, many years because it's cheap, and inflation is rampant. I still drink it because it ain't half bad -- just like 35 years ago when I used to ask the old man for a sip, then down half the can.

WHADDA YOU KNOW? It seems I'm a trendsetter and didn't know it. At least that's what The Associated Press says:

It's the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Now Schlitz is making the city nostalgic.

That beer with the old-time mystique is back on shelves in bottles of its original formula in the city where it was first brewed more than a century and a half ago.

Schlitz was the top-selling beer for much of the first half of the 20th century. But recipe changes and a series of snafus made the beer — in many a drinkers' opinion — undrinkable, turning what was once the world's most popular brews into little more than a joke.

But after decades of dormancy, the beer is back.

Schlitz' owner, Pabst Brewing Co., is recreating the old formula, using notes and interviews with old brew masters to concoct the pilsner again. The maker of another nostalgic favorite, Pabst Blue Ribbon, it hopes baby boomers will reach for the drink of their youth, otherwise known as "The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous." They also want to create a following among younger drinkers who want to know what grandma and grandpa drank.

"We believe that Schlitz is if not the, one of most iconic brands of the 20th century," said Kevin Kotecki, president of Pabst Brewing Co., which bought the brand that dates to 1849 from Stroh's in 1999. "And there's still a lot of people who have very positive, residual memories about their experience. For many of them it was the first beer they drank and we wanted to give it back to those consumers."

In Milwaukee, the comeback is creating a buzz. Stores are depleted of their stock within days, they're taking names for waiting lists and limiting customers to just a few six- or 12-packs each.

People like Leonard Jurgensen say the beer reminds them of better days. The 67-year-old, who grew up on the edge of the brewery downtown, said decades ago it seemed that everyone in the city either worked for the brewery or knew someone who did. If there was a special occasion, you drank Schlitz. Jurgensen had it on his wedding day 45 years ago.

"For many years the product was associated with happy times, especially to people my age," said Jurgensen, who's writing a book on Milwaukee's breweries. "As we all know, the world is not the best it can be today. We used to think those were hard times and when we look back on them, those were the good old days."
BECAUSE, TRULY . . . "When you're out of Schlitz, you're out of beer."

Now, if Schlitz can make a big comeback . . . maybe the other beer of my youth, Dixie, will do it, too. I think I've just made myself thirsty.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Quand tu dit Bud. . . .

Budwesier always, to me, tasted like horse piss (or at least what I imagine horse piss would taste like), but at least it was our horse piss.

No more.

The United States is becoming the new Africa -- a ramshackle continent of serfs, beholden to foreign colonial masters. The gory details follow, courtesy of Reuters:

U.S. brewer Anheuser-Busch Cos Inc agreed to a $50 billion takeover by Belgium-based InBev NV, a source familiar with the situation said Sunday, creating the world's largest beer maker.

InBev, the maker of Stella Artois, and Budweiser-brewer Anheuser were not immediately available to comment.

The combined company will be called Anheuser-Busch InBev, said the source, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity. Anheuser will get seats on the new company's board, the source said, but it was not immediately clear how many.

The deal brings an amicable resolution to a month-long saga that was becoming increasingly hostile as the two companies sued each other and InBev set the stage to try to replace Anheuser's board of directors.

InBev had proposed its own slate of nominees for the board that included Adolphus Busch IV, an uncle of the current chief executive of Anheuser-Busch.

InBev lured Anheuser to the bargaining table last week by raising its offer to $70 per share from $65 per share, a 27 percent premium over Anheuser's record-high stock price in October 2002.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

But we'll always have the Superdome

I have GOT to stop reading the gossip columns. Abstinence would be better for my blood pressure and my digestion.

For example, I never ought to have clicked on
Courtney Hazlett's "The Scoop" on
MSNBC just now. Alas, I was suckered in by the headline highlighting Paula Abdul's latest alleged histrionics in an airport terminal.

That was entertaining enough -- and who the hell
is Michael, Sidney and Leslie? -- but, ultimately, all it did was lead me to the next item which, of course, had to do with la famille Spears

HERE I WAS, listening to some very tasty Etta James on the stereo and still basking in the glow of LSU's dismantling of
The O-H I-O State University on the way to becoming college football's undisputed national champs. Life was sweet, and I had slipped comfortably into my "God, I wish I was sitting on a front porch back home in Baton Rouge right now, playing 'Hey, Fightin' Tigers' over and over and over"
reverie side of the love-hate relationship I got going with my home state.

And then I open up the gossip column and get visions of double-wides -- Louisiana double-wides -- dancing in my head.

Thank you, Courtney Freakin' Hazlett, and
thank you to the enlightened citizenry of Kentwood, by God, La.:

Residents of Jamie Lynn Spears’ hometown of Kentwood, La., just don’t know what all the fuss is about when it comes to the current state of the youngest Spears’ uterus.

“No one can understand why the media is making such a big deal over Jamie’s pregnancy,” local Mandy Knight told OK! Magazine. “That’s normal for people around here … her pregnancy really isn’t so shocking.”

Tell that to the rest of America. Or Nickelodeon. Regardless, the town has rallied around their celebrity and celebrity baby-daddy, Casey Aldridge. “We’re all so proud of him for doing the right thing,” said Cheryl Rape, the town librarian at the Liberty Library in Liberty, Miss., to the mag. “We all do wish him well.”

ACTUALLY, "normal" historically has involved matrimony before pregnancy, and that even used to be more or less true in many Louisiana towns that aren't Kentwood. That carnal knowledge of a juvenile and the resulting unwed motherhood is viewed as "normal" in Kentwood is only further proof of Favog's Law -- the Bud Light empties don't fall far from the double-wide.

And while -- like the unfortunately named Mississippi librarian (in what, I suspect, just might be one of the more-unused libraries in these United States) -- I am gratified that the Redneck Romeo and Juliet chose to let their child be born, I don't know that meets any sane threshold for being "proud" of the baby-daddy.

So many brain cells, so little Pabst Blue Ribbon to kill 'em dead, so's I kin fergit.

But at least we'll always have the Superdome, all us Louisiana expats will. That and the memory of one hell of a Tiger football team.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Beer makes you stupid

It's official: According to this Associated Press story, college students really are stupider than a bunch of chimpanzees.
One memory test included three 5-year-old chimps who'd been taught the order of Arabic numerals 1 through 9, and a dozen human volunteers.

They saw nine numbers displayed on a computer screen. When they touched the first number, the other eight turned into white squares. The test was to touch all these squares in the order of the numbers that used to be there.

Results showed that the chimps, while no more accurate than the people, could do this faster.

One chimp, Ayumu, did the best. Researchers included him and nine college students in a second test.

This time, five numbers flashed on the screen only briefly before they were replaced by white squares. The challenge, again, was to touch these squares in the proper sequence.

When the numbers were displayed for about seven-tenths of a second, Ayumu and the college students were both able to do this correctly about 80 percent of the time.

But when the numbers were displayed for just four-tenths or two-tenths of a second, the chimp was the champ. The briefer of those times is too short to allow a look around the screen, and in those tests Ayumu still scored about 80 percent, while humans plunged to 40 percent.

That indicates Ayumu was better at taking in the whole pattern of numbers at a glance, the researchers wrote.

"It's amazing what this chimpanzee is able to do," said Elizabeth Lonsdorf, director of the Lester E. Fisher Center for the Study and Conservation of Apes at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago. The center studies the mental abilities of apes, but Lonsdorf didn't participate in the new study.
BUT LET'S SEE how smart that chimp would be if he'd downed half a bottle of wine, 11 beers and two mixed drinks today.

Uh huh. Damn straight.