Tuesday, December 05, 2006

It works like the 'daisy cutter' . . .
only with hydrogen and methane


NASHVILLE (R21 People's "News") -- Authorities removed an alleged dirty-bomber from an American Airlines flight here early Monday after the jet made an emergency landing, and government officials said the nation narrowly averted a cataclysmic demonstration of the confluence of two explosive technologies -- the "dirty" bomb and the fuel-air "daisy cutter."

Pilots made the unscheduled Tennessee stop after passengers reported that a flatulent passenger was repeatedly lighting matches. A Dallas-area woman was questioned by federal agents as all 99 passengers were rescreened before being allowed back onto American Flight 1053.

The woman -- who authorities allege was trying to set off a fearsome new IED known as the "Fart Blossom" -- was not allowed back onto the plane.

Washington sources report that President Bush has ordered the Pentagon to gear up for an imminent invasion of the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex, which Bush today declared was "full of flatulent women" who could be "deployed against American cities and exploded with virtually no warning."

"The enemies of America are out there -- many of them in the Metroplex -- and, by God, we are not going to lose a city as long as I am in office," Bush said. "We are gonna show them Dallas people some real 'shock and awe,' and with God's help, and that of the 82nd Airborne and the 1st Armored, we are gonna let loose the transformative power of freedom in North Texas. Uncle Sam will once again make Dallas into a place Tom Landry could be proud of."

Incoming House Speaker Nancy Pelosi decried the White House war talk.

"Uh, couldn't we just airdrop some Beano into North Texas, instead?" Pelosi asked at a midafternoon press conference. "Can't we just all pass on the cole slaw and baked beans, instead?"

White House spokesman Tony Snow accused Pelosi of "aiding and abetting terrorists" and wanting to "cut the cheese and run."

Film at 11.

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