Father Cutié and the downsized deity

You have your dissent, and then you have your dissent. In the Episcopal Church, one of these things is not like the other.

If you're a Catholic priest who can't stick to his vows and gets him a woman -- c'mon in, the water's fine! And if you're an Episcopal priest who ditches his wife to get him a boyfriend, you just may be bishop material.

But if you're an Episcopal priest or bishop who decides the demands of a jealous God and the truth claims of historical Christianity supercede the popular notion of one's genitalia as a free-fire zone . . . you're just s*** out of luck, Bunky!

THAT'S AS GOOD an explanation as any for why a publicity-whoring Catholic scandalmonger gets everything but a 21-Trojan salute from the local Episcopal diocese when he switches teams. After all, in the Catholic Church, "Father Oprah" couldn't keep his girlfriend and his priesthood, too.

Or his TV show . . . or a platform to continue as a bestselling author . . . or, basically, any reason for the rest of us to pay attention when he yells, "Hey! Look at me!" From The Associated Press:

A popular Miami priest and media personality known as "Father Oprah" has left the Catholic Church to become an Anglican after he was photographed cavorting on the beach with his girlfriend.

The Rev. Alberto Cutié was removed from his Miami Beach church after photos of him kissing and embracing a woman appeared in the pages of a Spanish-language magazine earlier this month.

He was received into the Episcopal Church, the U.S. branch of the Anglican Communion, in a ceremony Thursday at Trinity Cathedral and may later announce he will marry his girlfriend, which is allowed in that denomination. He must complete other requirements before serving as an Episcopal priest.

(snip)

The Cuban-American priest was born in Puerto Rico and previously hosted shows on the Spanish-language channel Telemundo. He is also a syndicated Spanish-language columnist and author of the book "Real Life, Real Love: 7 Paths to a Strong, Lasting Relationship."

He headed the archdiocese's Radio Paz and Radio Peace broadcasts, heard throughout the Americas and in Spain, and earned the nickname "Father Oprah" — as in talk show host Oprah Winfrey — for his relationship advice.

Earlier this month, Cutié told CBS he has been romantically involved with the woman in the photos for about two years after being friends for much longer.

BUT OBJECT TO THE Episcopal Church's Cult of the Eternal Orgasm, and that just makes you a heretic -- like the clergy who fled to some awful Anglican archdiocese somewhere over the rainbow, where some horrid little archbishop lacks the tolerance of your average Seattle priest . . . who also happens to be a Muslim.

Again, from the AP, whose reporters must be amused, if not confused, by now:

National leaders of the Episcopal Church have ousted 61 clergy who aligned with a former bishop in California when he broke with the national church in a dispute over the Bible and homosexuality.

Former Bishop John-David Schofield led his congregation in San Joaquin to become the first full diocese to secede from the U.S. denomination in 2007. Four years earlier, Episcopalians consecrated their first openly gay bishop, setting off a wide-ranging debate within the church and upsetting conservative congregations.

Schofield ultimately was removed as head of the diocese and barred from performing any religious rites. He maintains he is an Anglican bishop under the worldwide church.

Episcopal leaders said Wednesday they were deposing all clergy who severed their ties and joined Schofield in affiliating with an Anglican archdiocese in Argentina.

Jerry Lamb, the new Episcopal Bishop of San Joaquin, called the decision to oust the clergy "heartbreaking."

"But, the fact is, they chose to abandon their relationship with the Episcopal Church," he said.

ALLAH KNOWS why they'd want to abandon the Episcopal Church. It's not just anywhere they could -- to recall the words of Flannery O'Connor -- serve a God less than themselves.

Facebook, you ignorant slut!

I'm told the average IQ in this country is 100.

Seems rather on the high side to me. Then again, I've just been on Facebook.

If you hang out enough on the Internet, it's pretty easy to find lots of reasons to fear for one's country. For me, this is one of those moments. Let me explain.

OUT THERE on the Interwebs somewhere, an Omaha web-design firm, What Cheer, has placed a simple-enough website called I Live in Omaha. The sole function of the site is to have Omahans fill in the blank of an innocuous-enough statement -- "I live in Omaha because. . . ."

Nice idea. Nice way for all of us to get in touch with some of the things we love about this place we call home.

At least in theory, that is.

The problem is the medium . . . and the shortcomings of (for lack of a better term) human "intelligence." And when you combine all that with original sin and this country's toxic political culture, it's "Katie, bar the door."

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED when one of the folks at What Cheer said "I live in Omaha because we are a blue dot in a red state." From the comments:

**** ******* at 10:04am May 27
f***ing liberals

*** ******** at 10:06am May 27
f***ing conservatives.

*** ***** at 10:08am May 27
f***ing dumbasses!

***** ***** at 10:09am May 27
Thank the universe for that!!

**** ******* at 10:10am May 27
haha this s*** is stupid

****** ******* at 10:11am May 27
WTF!?

***** ***** at 10:12am May 27
very.

*** ******** at 10:34am May 27
peace love and pot?

******** ************ at 10:37am May 27
Peace. Love. And pot.

******** ********** at 10:43am May 27
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. oh and don't forget the stds.

**** ****** at 10:48am May 27
Oh the STD's. Lol, for the fear you might lose your genitalia if you sleep with anyone from Omaha. xD and yes Peace. Love. Pot. Another sign you're in the big O

**** ******* at 11:31am May 27
with all the pot everyone is an obama humper, go smoke your pot with obama

******* **** at 11:41am May 27
(Name deleted) shut up. let me guess you voted for nadar

******* **** at 11:42am May 27
oh i forgot mccain had his d*** in your a** lmao

***** ****** at 12:06pm May 27
OMAN U SURE TOLD HIM LAWL

***** **** ******* at 12:25pm May 27
wow you guys are morons.

******** ****** at 12:38pm May 27
i live cuz i want ok

******** ******at 12:39pm May 27
i live here cuz i want to ok ppl i mssed yup on the first one

**** ******* at 1:02pm May 27
No (name deleted) you just had your whole fist up obama's a** you f***ing white liberal

******* **** at 1:14pm May 27
i didnt like obama fagtard thts how much you know

***** ***** at 1:15pm May 27
Boy, these kinds of comments sure make Omaha seem attractive. Shut up and grow up.

******* **** at 1:16pm May 27
hey f*** you lady.

***** ***** at 1:17pm May 27
Yea, real smart reply

******* **** at 1:19pm May 27
ok im sure your quite the genuis type huh? (name deleted)

***** ***** at 1:21pm May 27
wow. real mature. glad we live in a city where people can be adults.

******* **** at 1:23pm May 27
wow why do you really care. its not like you know me so dont assume.

******** ***** at 1:29pm May 27
OK children, back to go your corners

******* **** at 1:32pm May 27
lmao

IF I DIDN'T THINK most other cities had an even greater percentage of barbarian morons than Omaha, I'd be out of here tomorrow after reading that. And that's what we're dealing with as a culture -- we do not await an assault by the barbarian hordes; we, instead, are the barbarian hordes.

And we can't write, punctuate, spell or go more than two combox posts without saying something vulgar.

Unfortunately, the Internet -- a development that has such potential for good -- has become something akin to Miracle-Gro for the "id." This, I suspect, is because computers lack the capacity to hit their users upside the head with a two-by-four.

Increasingly, "society" has come to lack such a capacity as well. And that's why freedom's just another word for @#$%! #&*+@ !$%&* $%**! @#!&$%!

UPDATE: After one of the guiltier participants in this now-deleted Facebook thread, realized future employers and family members can use this thing called Google to look up all the stupid things he's done on the Internet, he left a comment asking me to delete the post.

Sorry, but I don't delete posts.

But I did go to a lot of trouble to extend an instance of radical mercy to this individual (and all the others who likewise covered themselves in ignominy) by deleting the names from the account of the Facebook comments.

This is your one free shot at getting a clue, kid. Don't screw it up.

Find your summer place

Percy Faith and the orchestra can help you get into that sweet summer spot.

Here, they do just that in a 1960 television appearance with the smash hit, "Theme From a Summer Place." It's kind of difficult to listen to this and not smile, innit?

3 Chords & the Truth: It's summer!

This week, 3 Chords & the Truth sounds like summer.

There's a good reason for that -- it's summer (at least unofficially), and we're ready to bust out and celebrate summertime, summertime sum-sum-summertime.

So, given all that, this episode of the Big Show might be a good one to load onto the iPod and take to the pool. Or maybe you could plug it into a boom box and kick it "old school" at the campsite or at a picnic.

ALL YOUR NEIGHBORS will want to know what the cool show is on the radio. Except it's not the radio exactly. It's better than the radio . . . it's freeform, and HAL 9000 at MegaCorp Broadcasting don't know nothin' 'bout no freeform programming.

Really . . . does HAL 9000 know who Mose Allison is, even? Ella Fitzgerald? Dale Hawkins? Matthew Sweet? BillyBraggWarParliamentMarshallCrenshawDanleers ZacharyRichard?

We do. We play 'em all this week.

And we're having more fun than is legal in 27 states.

OK, here's our guarantee for this week's episode of 3 Chords & the Truth: If we don't blow your mind outright, we'll at least expand it. And if you don't like it, we'll give you your money back.

OF COURSE, the Big Show is free, but that's not important now. The important thing is it's summertime, and we're livin' large. It's the only way to go.

It's 3 Chords & the Truth, y'all. Be there. Aloha.

Good enough for government work

And the final score in the Great Plate Debate this week is Old-School Newspaper Legwork 27, Nebraska's Design Community 0.

That's because it wasn't "the design community" or its arrested-development behavior, in the wake of a faulty contest to choose ugly license plates, that ultimately saved Nebraskans from six years of hideous tin on their bumpers. Instead, it was something as simple as the unhip "old media" asking the right questions at the right time and holding state officials up to public scrutiny.

BASICALLY, somebody had to be the "grown-up" here, and the Omaha World-Herald stepped into the void. This was the result:

State officials said Friday that the original selection was based on a public Internet vote that, a new review shows, had been skewed by a web site's prank.

The review of the voting results was prompted by a request from The World-Herald for the raw data to see if the humor web site had succeeded in hijacking the vote.

Thursday night, Beverly Neth, the state's motor vehicles director, said the voting patterns raised "some real questions and real concern."

At a press conference Friday, Neth said: "I now have new evidence that shows it is clear that the site's malicious intent was realized. I am taking responsibility for this situation, and I am here today to make this right."

State officials said the state's webmaster, Nebraska Interactive, was able to pinpoint the votes that came through CollegeHumor.com and Neth disqualified those votes.

The humor web site encouraged people to vote for what it called the most boring design. That design, which was black, white and red with the Nebraska.gov Web address, was announced by Gov. Dave Heineman as the winner Tuesday.

In the face of new information, administration officials backed off previous statements that the votes linking off the CollegeHumor.com site were "spread evenly'' among the four plate options, thus rendering the prank moot.

That information had come from an employee of Nebraska Interactive, the private company that manages Nebraska.gov, the state Web site, Neth said.

IN THE END, the state's press and the state's executive branch behaved like actual adults to rectify an increasingly embarrassing situation. Credit goes to Heineman and Neth for admitting the vote was a mess and promptly fixing it, despite the embarrassment that had to involve.

In this case, it seems "government work" ended up being good enough . . . considering. If I were Heineman, though, there'd be a new Nebraska.gov webmaster tout de suite.

Unfortunately, you can't say much for the state's "design community," which launched some of the earliest and loudest complaints about the prospective 2011 Nebraska plates but, when the going got rough, picked up its MacBook and went home.

Because, as always, bull**** walks.

W8! ST8 SK8S ON PL8S' F8!

Nothing can be done, wrote a member of the "design community," defending its eschewal of a serious public-relations strategy . . . and its descent into juvenile parodies and hissy fits over the "winning" design for Nebraska's new license plates.

AHEM. I, uh, told you so.

From the Omaha World-Herald:

Nebraska's great license plate flap may not be over after all.

In a sudden turn Thursday night, a top state official said raw data showing voting patterns raise "some real questions and real concern" that the online vote for the state's next plate was compromised.

Beverly Neth, the state's motor vehicles director, looked at the information after it was requested by The World-Herald, which was seeking to determine whether a college humor Web site had succeeded in hijacking the vote. Neth said what she saw in an initial review of the data Thursday evening was "troubling."

Left unsaid, but hanging over Neth's words, was the possibility of dumping the black-and-white plate that Gov. Dave Heineman announced as the winner Tuesday and reopening the plate design selection process. Neth said only that she needed to look through the data more before commenting further.

(snip)

On Tuesday, Heineman announced the black-and-white plate as the winner. State officials said they were confident that CollegeHumor.com's effort did not skew the outcome.

Neth and Hein both said the votes coming from the humor Web site had been "spread evenly" among the four plate options.

But the story began to change Thursday as state officials were questioned in more detail by The World-Herald.

Hein acknowledged that the state had not been able to track the votes. But she continued to maintain that, based on the consistent pattern of votes for the four plates and the volume of votes coming from the comedy site, the hijacking effort had "no significant impact" on the vote.

But after the newspaper requested detailed information on those voting patterns, Neth looked at the data and expressed concerns.

In the end, Hein blamed the earlier misinformation on Nebraska Interactive, the private company that manages the state's Web site.

Nebraska Interactive is a subsidiary of NIC USA, based in Olathe, Kan. Brent Hoffman, general manager for the Nebraska site, was out of town and did not return a message.

FORTUNATELY, the Omaha World-Herald was on the ball and didn't need any PR lobbying to start digging -- which ended up making the state look foolish enough to start backtracking on those ugly, ugly plates.

After all, even "Bluto" Blutarsky knew that it was far from "over" when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor. (Note: Some "R"-rated language.)

What is wrong with this picture?

In the bad old days, some Southern public schools got closed down because staying open would mean being integrated.

And "separate but equal" held a lot more sway over Rebel hearts and minds than educating all God's children. Especially if God's children were black. In Prince Edward County, Va., the public schools stayed closed from 1959 to 1964.

THANKFULLY, those days have faded into history. Unless you count many cities' mostly-white private schools counterpoised with failing, dilapidated mostly-black public schools.

There are other modern reminders of "the bad ol' days," as well. Some more fraught with irony than others.

For example, in my hometown, there's the sad case of Robert E. Lee High School. It used to be the home of the Rebels. Now, with a majority-minority student body, it's the home of the Patriots.

And this band of Patriots has no George Washington to shepherd it out of harm's way so it might fight another day.

FOR THAT MATTER, they'd just as well go back to being the Rebels, because Lee High has met its Appomattox.

In this day and age of crumbling urban schools -- particularly in places, like Baton Rouge, with little history of supporting quality education for all -- you could find a hundred legitimate reasons for pulling the plug on a school like Lee High. You have your plummeting enrollment. And crumbling facilities. And too many high schools in town for too few remaining students.

I imagine all of these are factors in Lee High's pending demise, expected to be formalized tonight by the East Baton Rouge Parish School Board. But not the main one, says The Advocate:

Supporters of the high school, located at 1105 Lee Drive, successfully fought to keep it open in spring 2008 — and to have it rebuilt in the future on the same location for $63 million — but the school’s continued inability to meet state minimum academic standards may have sealed its fate.

(snip)

[Schools Superintendent Charlotte] Placide visited Lee High’s faculty and staff Wednesday afternoon to let them know of her decision, made Tuesday after discussing it with her education leadership team.

“The staff was very somber,” she said. “Nobody wants it to happen.”

Placide first proposed closing Lee High at a May 4 special board meeting. The two options were to close the school right away or to close it over the course of the next year, so the class of 2010 could graduate at the school.

Lee High is potentially up for state takeover as early as August, and board members worried that if the school were still operating in any form, the state would move to take it over.

Closing the school immediately could mean that today — also the last day of the 2008-09 school year — is the school’s last day in operation.

AND THAT'S the way it is, May 21, 2009. An African-American school superintendent, along with an integrated school board, seeks to shutter a failing school rather than let the state take control of it.

Stupidity always has been an equal-opportunity enterprise. Irony, too.

UPDATE: They did it. Here's some of WAFB television's story:

They fought about it all night, in fact students, parents and school board members have been at odds over the future of Lee High for more than a year now. But Thursday night was decision time. Robert E. Lee High has officially been closed.

"It is a tremendously tough thing to do. But it is the right thing to do," said East Baton Rouge School Board member Noel Hammitt.

He called the decision to close Robert E. Lee High painful. An alumnus himself, Hammitt made it clear that Lee High's closure does not mean the school has failed. He says the move to close these doors would prevent yet another take over.

"To keep the school open would mean that the state of Louisiana could take over another school," said Hammitt.

THE MIND BOGGLES. The board shuttered a school -- expressly shuttered a school -- so the state couldn't get a shot at straightening out what the local yahoos screwed up.

Something is seriously, seriously wrong in a place where such things happen. But in my hometown, it's not exactly without precedent. Thursday's s*** fit is just another twist on the old Louisiana game of cutting off one's own nose to spite somebody else's face, and it's been going on within public education ever since Brown v. Board of Education.

Would that this new version of a venerable -- and insane -- phenomenon could be pinned on something as easily confronted as "segregation today . . . segregation tomorrow . . . segregation forever."

The trouble with 'creatives'

Isaac Newton understood physics.

For instance, his Third Law of Motion: "To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Isaac Newton also understood public relations. He didn't know it, but he did.

Take Newton's law, apply it to human nature and you get the First Law of Public Relations: "To every moronic action, there is an equal and opposite moronic reaction. Only more so."

I just made that up, but it's true. Look, I can even provide sociological proofs:

THAT'S RIGHT, the proprietor of a blog dedicated to making fun of Nebraska's new license-plate design (top of post) thought it would be a fine thing to run some nimrod's idea (above) of social commentary.

"Duuuuude! I just put the new Nebraska license plate on a picture of a car mowing down a bunch of bicyclists! Bitchin'! Heh! heheheh! Heh heh heheheheh!"

And let's not show the Photoshop creation of a cow blowtorching the new plate with an acetylene fart, OK?

I don't know about you, but juvenile buffoonery by the state's "creatives" is making that proposed cold sore for Nebraska bumpers start to grow on me a little. I guess the Official Nebraska License Plate Reactions Website is producing yet another equal and opposite reaction by causing me to have sympathy for people mucking up our automobiles with a truly wretched piece of tin.

NEBRASKA'S "design community" has made much hay . . . I'm sorry, does that choice of words go too much against the hip, now, happening and progressive image we're supposed to be projecting as Nebraskans? We mustn't embrace our inner hick, now.

Let's try this. The state's "design community" has protested vociferously the poor choices put before the CollegeHumor.com readers Nebraskans, and have cited such mediocrity as why license-plate design never should be left to amateurs.

Of course, the winning design was a "professional" product, but that's not important now. Move along, nothing to see here. Thank you, come again!

No, what's important now is for outraged designers to follow their own advice. If they want to overturn a bad decision by the Department of Motor Vehicles, they need to hire a professional. Public-relations amateurs like themselves will just screw it up.

They may know design, but that doesn't mean they know squat about A) writing, or B) how to make friends and influence people. I'm not a PR professional, but I can tell them the first step for free -- quit promoting juvenile idiocy like the Official Nebraska License Plate Reactions Website, then quickly shove to the margins all those "creatives" with far more time on their hands than common sense . . . or good taste.

Despite evidence to the contrary, I don't think "creative" and "grown-ups" have to be mutually exclusive concepts.

There seems to be some good information -- at least at a glance -- on the getreadyforaction.net site, where the creator contends there's no way the DMV could know CollegeHumor.com pranksters didn't punk the vote. A PR professional could find independent computer scientists to test that hypothesis and then, if correct, ram it down the state's throat.

Complete with press releases, interview opportunities, a press conference and a slick website.

PR professionals would get straight information to the press, then help reporters help "the design community" yell "rat."

Or, the state's "creatives" could just continue to throw a hissy fit for free. But in that case, they'd better zip it about the horrors of amateurism as they drive around with those ugly-ass license plates.

This is your brain. This is your brain . . . what was the question, dude?

Because people are stupid . . . they sign up for Facebook groups like Medicinal Marijuana In the State of Nebraska and make it quite clear that they're not necessarily interested in the issue because they're puking their guts out from chemotherapy.

At least that's my layman's interpretation of comments such as "i love weed :)" on the group's "wall." And this:

see tim i told u ppl would join this s*** bc if ne1 says bud is harmful to u tell them to put down there beer or not to get in a car those r way more dangerous then weed

THEN AGAIN, there's a Jeff Spicoli in every crowd . . . like, y'know, man?

But in this crowd, it seems to me there's at least 497 complete idiots as I write. That would be the total number of group members, many of them eastern Nebraska high-school students, and perhaps high school students as well.

Mind your hyphens, dude. Not to mention how many plugs you give NORML, that noted cancer/glaucoma/digestive-patient advocacy group.

IF I'M A high-school principal -- as opposed to a high school principal (who'd be too toasted to notice, presumably) -- I'm logged onto my Facebook account, looking at the pot-group page and scanning for my students among the members. Guess whose locker is going to get an extra sniff by the drug dog?

And guess who's going to get some extra scrutiny throughout the school year?

Ditto if I'm an employer . . . or a prospective one, Or if I'm an administrator at a certain Catholic school for the developmentally disabled. Is what I'm getting at.

SEE, IF I'M going to start -- or join -- a group dedicated to the legal, medicinal use of marijuana, I'm going to make sure it's about the legal, medicinal use of marijuana. There's a legitimate argument to be had over that, I am sure.

Somehow I don't think "Smoke killer herb till my lungs collapse" would fly in such a forum.

To be fair, one frequent poster did try to make a serious argument for medicinal marijuana. I was just about to buy it until . . .

I will admit I do like to also smoke in a recreational fashion on occasion, but when my stomach is acting up it relieves some of the symptoms.

AND I LIKE to take zinc lozenges and Ex-Lax "in a recreational fashion on occasion, too." I love me that sudden urge to go and the metallic taste in my mouth, too.

Well, at least the poster was smart enough not to post under his or her real name.

Unlike the former youth-group kid from my church. My wife and I volunteered almost 14 years in youth ministry there.

Somehow, I don't think the sweet smell I smell is that of success.

Morons . . . or evil geniuses?

This is not the new Nebraska license plate.

A blob of stylized cow patties would be much less embarrassing than what the state's "contest" gave us. That would be this:

Let it be known that -- for all the uproar from the "design community" over the state turning over license plates to the amateurs -- the above monstrosity is a "professional" product. Says the Omaha World-Herald, "The winning choice was professionally designed by the state’s license plate material vendor."

If that's what "professionals" are capable of, give me some chimpanzees and a box of Crayolas.

I DON'T KNOW about you, but the "winning" license plate is not going to be defacing my automobile. The poor car has enough problems, the biggest of which is whether or not it's going to be orphaned in the near future. (SAVE GM!!!)

And that's when it occurred to me I might have been wrong in believing Gov. Dave Heineman and Department of Motor Vehicles chief Beverly Neth to be morons. In fact, they both may be evil geniuses.

It goes something like this: I know I'm not alone in regarding the chosen design as a steaming pile of organic fertilizer. I think I have plenty of company in my refusal to put the thing on my car. I don't put decals on my car of Bart Simpson lookalikes pissing on a Brand X logo, and I'm not putting state-issued crudities on it, either.

Meantime, the real-estate market is in the crapper right along with the economy, so there's no likelihood we can move across the river to Iowa . . . where the influx of gays seeking to be married will do nothing to harm the state's license-plate aesthetic.

SO I'M STUCK, RIGHT? Not exactly, but it'll cost me.

There is one remaining option for Nebraskans who refuse to put the coming lame-ass 2011 plates on their vehicles. That would be the "Husker Spirit" plate, which celebrates University of Nebraska athletics, looks kind of snazzy . . . and will set you back an extra $70.

You can't pack up and move to Iowa for $70. Genius! The state could make tens of millions of extra dollars -- scores of extra millions if people are desperate enough.

Abso-freakin-lutely brilliant. In a Dr. Evil kind of way.

Almost as brilliant was how Heineman and Neth played it dumb for the media, even going so far as to pretend they weren't the ones behind CollegeHumor.com's attempt to stuff the DMV's electronic ballot box in favor of the ugly-ass plate.

The World-Herald might be so gullible, but not me. I'm from Louisiana. I know shenanigans.

But an unknown number of those votes came from devotees of CollegeHumor.com, a Web site that regularly encourages viewers to "ruin a poll." The site also has an area devoted to "license plate stuff."

CollegeHumor combined the two features May 7, asking people to "Ruin a Nebraska" poll by voting for the black, white and red design.

"Everyone vote design 2 so Nebraskans get boring license plates," the website said. "This poll doesn’t display the current results, but we’ll know we won when all their cars have boring gray license plates."

Jen Rae Hein, the governor’s spokeswoman, said that Beverly Neth, Nebraska’s motor vehicle director, had alerted state officials to CollegeHumor’s attempt to interfere with the vote. Officials were then able to monitor hits coming through the link on that Web site, she said.

Hein said votes through that link were spread evenly among the four designs. She said votes through the CollegeHumor link dropped off this last weekend, when the winning plate pulled ahead in overall voting.

(snip)

Heineman gave a nod to the controversy that the license plate options stirred up.

"While no single plate will appeal to every driver, they are first and foremost a critical asset for enforcement officers across our state," he said. "It was beneficial to both the state and citizens to have the opportunity to vote for their favorite design and offer feedback."

The governor’s announcement culminates two weeks of online voting — and two weeks of griping and complaining about the four options.

Letters to the editor and calls and e-mails to state officials made it clear that some Nebraskans disliked the choices offered.

A leading Nebraska advertising executive even volunteered the state’s top marketing firms to create different designs at no charge to the state. Jim Lauerman, chief executive officer of Bailey Lauerman of Omaha and Lincoln, called the four designs "embarrassing."

OF COURSE the designs were embarrassing. That was Heineman's and Neth's evil plan. Regular plate sucks; $70 "Husker Spirit" plate doesn't.

Get it?

I know I'll be getting mine. And I'll tip my hat to my gubna's evil genius as I shell out the extra cash.

Does he just play a hypocrite on television?

When the subject is capital punishment, things get real weird real fast in the Nebraska Legislature.

THE QUESTION before the body (pun unintended) today is whether unicameral Speaker Mike Flood is really a massive hypocrite, or whether he just plays one on television.

From the Omaha World-Herald:

The 31-7 vote came as the Nebraska Legislature had first-round debate to a bill that would change the method of execution from electrocution to lethal injection.

The rejected amendment, offered Lincoln Sen. Bill Avery, was based on a recently passed law in Virginia. It narrowed who qualifies for the death penalty to only those murderers whose crimes was confirmed by DNA evidence, who confessed in a video recording or whose crime was caught on video.

Avery said the recent case of the Beatrice 6 - in which six people convicted of a 1985 murder in Beatrice and were exonerated via DNA evidence - is a reason to narrow the application of the death penalty to those who could be convincingly proven to have committed a heinous murder. "We have an obligation if we are to use lethal injection that we get it right," Avery said.

State Sen. Mike Flood of Norfolk, the chief sponsor of the lethal injection bill, said that Avery must be "watching CSI" because DNA and video evidence doesn't exist in every murder case.

"That is a fantasy you on television," Flood said, adding that Avery's bill would change the burden of proof from "without a reasonable doubt" to "conclusive proof."

BUT WAS IT a "fantasy Flood" playing the part of a pretentious butthead, live on the state's NET 2 educational-television channel, which covers the Legislature gavel-to-gavel?

Really, viewers want to know whether the speaker's a clown only when the red light's on. When the gavel came down and the cameras cut out, did Flood go up to Avery, slap him on the back and ask "Was that an over-the-top performance or what?"

Yeah, I was ROFLMAO right in front of the big screen.

AS FAR AS Nebraska's death penalty goes, I have an idea: Do away with it. Save the money, the court fights and the nagging worry about whether -- or when -- we're going to execute an innocent person.

And bypass the whole question surrounding the justice of condemning some kinds of folk to die versus letting others die of old age someday in a prison hospital ward, or even walking out of the state pen on some distant day . . . free as an ex-jailbird.

Notre Dame des Douleurs

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It's over, at long last.

Maybe in more ways than one.

Sunday, President Obama journeyed to Notre Dame. He came, he saw, he divided, he conquered. And America's Catholic bishops sat helpless on the sidelines as the university named "Our Lady" bestowed high honors upon the country's most powerful proponent of key elements of the "culture of death."

When it all was over, death had emerged as just another good-faith solution to life's problems -- including the "problem" of life itself -- and 2,000 years of unchanged and uncompromising Catholic doctrine about the right to be born as the wellspring of all other rights had the patina of something held fast only by fanatics, fools or both.

Over and out.

Catholic academics like Notre Dame's president, the Rev. John Jenkins, are quick to employ half-hearted rhetorical nods to what the Catholic Church proclaims about the "culture of life." But it's more informative to watch what they actually do.

WHAT THEY DO is bestow honorary degrees upon uncompromising supporters of abortion, partial-birth abortion, government funding of abortion, embryonic stem-cell research and government funding of embryonic stem-cell research. What they do is give those uncompromising proponents of the Expendable Human a bully pulpit to undercut the Catholic Church's clear teaching . . . on the church's dime.

What they do is throw protesters in jail for pointing out the obvious spiritual and intellectual treason these Catholic academics commit against their church and their God. Assuming, of course, we're still talking the God of Abraham, Isaac and Joseph here.

What they do is teach Catholic young people -- and others in their spiritual and intellectual care -- to regard gospel, doctrine and tradition as the most regressive among a panoply of lifestyle choices and public-policy options.

While Catholic educators like Father Jenkins at Notre Dame prattle on about "academic freedom" and "open dialogue" with policymakers and the broader culture, what we invariably end up with at occasions such as Sunday's commencement is a monologue. And it ain't Jesus or one of His spokespersons doing the talking.

FRANKLY, it would be nice to see a little "open dialogue" and engagement with the popular culture. Unfortunately, I don't see Barack Obama accepting any invitations to a freewheeling debate sponsored by the University of Notre Dame. More unfortunately, I don't see Notre Dame sponsoring such a debate and inviting the president to take part, either.

There are two sides to this cultural divide and this abortion argument. A prominent fixture of one side got to make his case at Notre Dame's graduation.

The other side . . . largely is in jail. Notre Dame officials keep putting it there.

INSTEAD, this is what we got at Our Lady's university -- the Blessed Virgin Mary's namesake -- in the name of cultural engagement and open dialogue. Roll the videotape . . . or The Associated Press account, as the case may be:

On campus, Obama entered the arena to thunderous applause and a standing ovation from many in the crowd of 12,000. But as the president began his commencement address, at least three protesters interrupted it. One yelled, "Stop killing our children."

The graduates responded by chanting "Yes we can", the slogan that became synonymous with Obama's presidential campaign. Obama seemed unfazed, saying Americans must be able to deal with things that make them "uncomfortable."

THAT, MY FRIENDS, was a real-life metaphor. It was symbolic. And I'm half inclined to believe it wasn't an accident -- not in the cosmic scheme of things.

One of the uncouth and divisive protesters makes the unreasonable request to stop killing the most defenseless of our children. Then, as police drag him away, the graduating class of this Catholic university starts chanting "Yes, we can!"

"Yes, we can!" Kill our children.

"Yes, we can!" Thumb our noses at the church.

"Yes, we can!" Blow off the protests of a compromised and feckless episcopate . . . which in this instance happens to be absolutely right. (Ultimately gutless, but nevertheless right on the biology, theology and ecclesiology.)

"Yes, we can!" Eat the forbidden fruit.

"Yes, we can!" Be as gods!

Father Jenkins professes a commitment to dialogue. Unfortunately, the church of John Jenkins has nothing constructive to say.

To be more specific, the church of John Jenkins has had all the wrong things to say to its children. It has lost a couple of generations and now is going for the trifecta.

IN A WORLD choking on "Yes, we can," the church Notre Dame has come to represent is "about as useful as teats on a boar hog," as we used to say down on the bayou. It is time the ordinary responsible for what has become a lethal embarrassment to the Catholic Church do something useful himself and put Notre Dame out of our misery.

There is one Catholic truth. Notre Dame's leadership apparently doesn't see it that way. So, can we end the charade that one has anything to do with the other?

Yes, if Bishop John D'Arcy tells Notre Dame it no longer can call itself Catholic, the American church might take almost as big a hit as the Blighting Irish. But then again, the Catholic Church took that hit decades ago.

Catholicism took that hit when its leaders stopped leading . . . stopped teaching . . . stopped caring about raising Catholic children in the faith. The only thing left to do now is to start re-establishing that, yes, it does mean something to be Catholic.

Right now, the world thinks being Catholic means standing before the president of the United States and asking, in effect, "What is truth?" Let's not allow the Class of 2009's enthusiastic embrace of that sentiment be our Final Answer.

You know it's coming to this eventually

I think I have just the guy to fill this job in the Motor City (below).

Because we're all on a metaphorical motorcycle running from the bad guys, seconds away from being sent flying up into a parking gate's downstroke. Insufficient "max headroom" will get you every time.

Detroit Free Press seeks Digital Host as anchor for Television and Internet broadcasts.

The Detroit Free Press seeks a Digital Host to be our on-air anchor for television newscasts and video segments on freep.com and other outlets. We’re seeking a friendly, conversational person to report Free Press stories on-air and online. Top candidates must have the ability to write, produce and anchor news segments on television and be comfortable with technology. Use of social networking tools is necessary.

Job responsibilities:

Write and anchor segments and shows for broadcast, online or other delivery
Conduct live on-air interviews
Edit segments and packages
Write scripts for videos and broadcasts
Record voiceovers
Coach other staff when needed

This is a new position. We seek a person who can adapt to change and will continuously innovate.

3 Chords & the Truth: Open the door

What 3 Chords & the Truth is about, among other things, is opening the door to good music.

This week on the Big Show -- as is our standard practice -- we open that door wide, starting with a set all about doors. Tasty.

And once that door is open to all kinds of musical goodness, lots of amazing stuff comes storming (or should we say dancing?) through. Like Vienna Teng, who some years back found a higher calling than software (though if she'd like to help me with my @#%&!*$+! computers, I'd be ever so grateful).

ALSO THROUGH that open freeform door comes some beautiful sounds like Warren Zevon . . . and a luscious number by the Mamas and the Papas. Some classic country -- and some classic New Wave and punk. And swamp pop, aussi.

Gabba gabba hey, cher!

You want to know what "freeform" means? It means it's all good.

And good is what 3 Chords & the Truth is all about. Because the bad, we don't mess with.

Yep, it's 3 Chords & the Truth, y'all. Be there. Aloha.

It blowed up good

It blowed up real good.

The lightning-sparked fire -- and subsequent unguided launch of a tank full of "oil-industry byproducts" in Lamesa, Texas -- illustrates just why people put up "No Smoking" signs at gas stations. Unfortunately, there are no "No 50,000-Degree Bolts of Electricity" signs surrounding refineries and other facilities that can go boom in spectacular fashion.

Somehow, no firefighters were killed in the making of this video. Some cuss words were uttered, however -- part of the tank hit and wrecked the van from which the camera-ready stormchaser was filming. He was 200 yards away.

You'd cuss, too. You know you would.

Nebraska's great plate debate (again)

The great plate debate rages on in the Great State.

This, as reported by the Omaha World-Herald, is the latest salvo . . . on behalf of Nebraska's slighted professional graphic-design pros:

A leading Nebraska advertising executive is urging a design do-over for the new state license plate.

Jim Lauerman, chief executive officer of Bailey Lauerman of Omaha and Lincoln, said the four "embarrassing" designs now being considered should be scrapped as not bumper-worthy.

Instead, Lauerman offered to enlist graphic artists from the state's top marketing firms to, at no charge, design a new plate that would convey a sharper image for the state.

"This is an opportunity for millions and millions of exposures to express your (state) brand. Why wouldn't you take that opportunity?" said Lauerman, who grew up in the farm town of Stromsburg, Neb.

His offer - the latest criticism of the license plate designs - landed with a thud on the doorstep of Gov. Dave Heineman, who was out of his Capitol office on Thursday.

"The governor has made his comments on this issue," said his spokeswoman, Jen Rae Hein.

Translation: He likes the four designs submitted, as he's said before. He's sticking to his license-plate-picking-guns, even though naysayers have sent a wave of critical letters and e-mails to The World-Herald and other newspapers.

YES, YOU COULD turn matters over to the professionals, and somebody might decide that Nebraska's modern branding needs require something hip, now, happening and symbolically avant garde. (See above.)

That's my abstract statement about the state's unity through diversity. And, being that the '70s are hot once again, it has that certain funky, earth-toned sumpin' sumpin' going for it.

Actually, it's supposed to be a joke . . . but I've seen weirder things that weren't.

OF COURSE, vee haff veys of settling such license plate disputes here -- ways that are pretty straightforward. OK, really straightforward. This was the not-so-elegant 1984 solution:

COME TO THINK OF IT, though, that would be an improvement over some of the contest choices.

Oy.

Hire Alphas, treat 'em like Deltas

There will be a brave new world of journalism someday.

But until it arrives, newspaper management will just live in an Aldous Huxley novel instead.

A CASE IN POINT: The Wall Street Journal.

Staffers at The Wall Street Journal on Tuesday were given a newly compiled list of rules for "professional conduct," which included a lengthy guide for use of online outlets, noting cautions for activities on social networking sites.

In an e-mail to employees, Deputy Managing Editor Alix Freedman wrote, "We've pulled together into one document the policies that guide appropriate professional conduct for all of us in the News Departments of the Journal, Newswires and MarketWatch. Many of these will be familiar."

Dow Jones spokesman Robert Christie declined to comment to E&P today on why the updated rules were put out at this time, saying they speak for themselves. But it is clear they are in place for those involved in social networking on the likes of Facebook or Twitter, requiring editor approval before "friending" any confidential sources.

"Openly 'friending' sources is akin to publicly publishing your Rolodex," the rules state, adding, "don't disparage the work of colleagues or competitors or aggressively promote your coverage," and "don't engage in any impolite dialogue with those who may challenge your work -- no matter how rude or provocative they may seem."

THE ARTICLE in Editor & Publisher, to me, is another omen -- and not a good one -- concerning the future of newspapers in this country. Right up there with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's paean-to-Luddites ad campaign for its "new" Sunday paper.

The fact is, Twitter and Facebook are excellent ways for a journalist to keep his or her "ear to the ground." And the fact is -- isn't it? -- editors of The Wall Street Journal don't hire immature teens or half-wits.

It seems to me, when you're dealing with adults, a few simple rules should be sufficient:

* Don't trash, or bitch about, your colleagues.

* Don't divulge proprietary information.

* Act like a grown-up and a professional.

* Do promote your stories.

THAT'S IT. Break those rules or do something else stupid, and we're going to have a talk.

You really have to wonder how much productivity, innovation, creativity and morale is lost to idiotic micromanagement and pointless corporate bureaucracy. It seems to me that productivity, innovation, creativity and morale are all things American newspapers have lost too much of already.

Spend so much, get so little

If people could catch the swine flu from pork, the entire state of Louisiana ought to be dead by now.

Then again, the Gret Stet quickly is heading toward room temperature from just the pork -- forget the flu. Right now, the Louisiana Legislature is considering a "pared-down" annual budget of $27 billion.

And if $27 billion spent over a population of 4.4 million is getting you massive cuts in higher education and everything else -- assuring the further cementing of Louisiana's place on the extreme wrong end of almost every conceivable national ranking -- somebody's getting royally screwed.

Except, I assume, for politicians' brothers-in-law.

PER CAPITA, that comes out to state spending of (rounding off) $6,136.36. And being that $27 billion doesn't go that far in providing decent schools on the bayou, "per capita" means the Gret Stet aims to spend $6,136.36 for every single Louisianian.

But double check me here, I went to Louisiana schools, too.

I've been thinking for a while that $27 billion ought to be plenty for a state the size of Louisiana. Plenty enough, at least, that lots of stuff that does suck so badly there really oughtn't.

So, I thought I'd take a look at the just-passed biennial budget for my present home, Nebraska, where schools are pretty good and suckage seems to be minimal. (See update below.)

NEBRASKA, over the next couple of years -- barring a budget-cutting special session if tax revenues keep coming in under projections -- will spend $6.2 billion. Annually, let's just split that down the middle for a budget of $3.1 billion.

Divide that by the state's population of 1.78 million, and you get per-capita annual spending of $1,741.57. And we're not even at the bottom of any good national rankings . . . or the top of any bad ones.

I suspect some of that per-capita state spending difference comes from municipalities, via local property taxes, paying more of their own way here in Nebraska. And I'm assuming per-capita welfare and Medicaid costs are a lot higher in Louisiana.

But $4,394.79 worth of difference per resident? Really?

IF I WERE still living in Louisiana, I'd be wondering how the state can spend that much and still have that Third World je ne sais quoi about it. I'd also be wondering why cutting a relatively small percentage out of such a large state budget stands to wreak such havoc with, for example, higher education.

But mostly, I'd just be wondering what the hell was going on in Baton Rouge, and why the state was spending so much just to suck so badly in, well . . . everything.

UPDATE: OK, my numbers were off. That's what I get for comparing press reports about the state appropriations bills instead of looking up actual spending requests.

What I didn't account for was that Nebraska separates out all federal and recurrent revenues, and the press was reporting budget figures based on just the state monies plus stimulus money.

Still . . . .

Let's compare what Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal requested for fiscal year 2008-09 and what Nebraska Gov. Dave Heineman requested for the same time period. Rounding off for Louisiana, that would be $29.7 billion.

And rounding off for the Cornhusker State, the figure comes out to $7.6 billion.

On a per capita basis, the 2008-09 budgetary request made by Louisiana's Jindal came out to $6,750 in state spending for every Louisianian. In Nebraska, the per capita figure was $4,269.66.

That's still a hell of a difference -- almost $2,500 a head.

Oink.

'Dialogue' from a South Bend jail

At the same time, and born of the same duty, a Catholic university has a special obligation not just to honor the leader but to engage the culture. Carrying out this role of the Catholic university has never been easy or without controversy. When I was an undergraduate at Notre Dame, Fr. Hesburgh spoke of the Catholic university as being both a lighthouse and a crossroads. As a lighthouse, we strive to stand apart and be different, illuminating issues with the moral and spiritual wisdom of the Catholic tradition. Yet, we must also be a crossroads through which pass people of many different perspectives, backgrounds, faiths, and cultures. At this crossroads, we must be a place where people of good will are received with charity, are able to speak, be heard, and engage in responsible and reasoned dialogue.

-- The Rev. John Jenkins,
president of Notre Dame

Lies, damned lies and Notre Dame PR

I am saddened that many friends of Notre Dame have suggested that our invitation to President Obama indicates ambiguity in our position on matters of Catholic teaching. The University and I are unequivocally committed to the sanctity of human life and to its protection from conception to natural death.

-- The Rev. John Jenkins,
president of Notre Dame