Apocalyptic is the new normal

If this doesn't scare you spitless, you're an idiot.

"THIS" WOULD BE the following dispatch from The Wall Street Journal:

Pakistan's Taliban seized control of another district in the country's northwest just 70 miles from the capital after consolidating their hold on the Swat Valley, according to local government officials and residents.

The latest Taliban advance into the Buner district has spurred fears that a controversial peace accord, which allows the militants to enforce sharia law in Swat, has emboldened them to expand their influence.

Militants have been moving into Buner since the Swat peace deal was signed with the government in February. But starting Tuesday night they seized control of the entire district, which has a population of more than one million people, local government officials and residents said. Heavily armed militants, streaming in from neighboring Swat, occupied government offices and set up their own checkposts. Terrified residents fled their homes.

Dozens of hooded fighters carrying rocket launchers and machine guns ransacked the offices of international aid and development agencies working in the district and took away their vehicles. Some employees of the agencies were also briefly taken hostage. The militants set up their headquarters in the town of Buner after driving out government officials.

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said Wednesday the Taliban advance poses "an existential threat" to Pakistan and urged Pakistanis world-wide to oppose a government policy yielding to them. Pakistanis "need to speak out forcefully against a policy that is ceding more and more territory to the insurgents," Mrs. Clinton said in testimony before a House committee.

BEFORE YOU SHRUG and withdraw once more into your Wii cocoon, the significance of the Journal's report is found on The Daily Beast in a post by author Gerald Posner:

The Taliban advance should be causing high Richter-scale reactions inside the Obama White House. Counterterrorism officials have long warned that al Qaeda is desperate to obtain weapons WMD. Pakistan’s nuclear arsenal is in play if the Taliban insurgency should unseat the government of Asif Ali Zadari.

Pakistan has been a member of the nuclear club since in 1987. Intelligence estimates are that the country now has between 50 and 100 nuclear missiles that can travel 1,200 miles. That places much of India, Saudi Arabia and Eastern Iraq within range. With slight improvements in the rockets’ booster phase—not a difficult technological advance—Jerusalem could be hit.

Pakistan straddles a fault line between secularism and fundamentalism. Many Pakistani military and intelligence officers are markedly more radical than the centrist Zadari and openly supportive of Osama bin Laden. Pakistan’s equivalent of the CIA is still enraged by the central government’s abandonment of both the Taliban and the Kashmiri Jihadis. Fundamentalist religious schools—of which Pakistan has more than any other country—churn out thousands of radical Islamists, and outlawed militant parties regularly resurface with new names.

(snip)

A Pakistani government led by Sunni fundamentalists could launch a nuclear attack on Iran's Shia provinces, long-time foe India and definitely Israel. Economic upheaval in the West would be assured by nuking oil fields in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and the United Arab Emirates. You think the stock market looks bad over the last two years? Let a Taliban spokesman announce that Mullah Omar has his finger on the Islamic Bomb.

LET US FERVENTLY PRAY the world's big international players -- Britain, the United States, Russia and China -- are at this moment planning a joint military operation to seize, if need be, and destroy Pakistan's nuclear arsenal. Because if they aren't, and if Pakistan falls to the Taliban, we can be pretty sure -- one way or another -- this is The End of Everything. At least Everything as we have come to know it.

Actually, a complete Wall Street meltdown would be only the half of it . . . particularly if the Taliban were to nuke the Saudi oil fields.

If the Taliban take over Pakistan, and its nuclear arsenal is still there . . . al Qaida will have The Bomb, and America could someday lose a major city. What's far more likely than that is the prospect of nuclear war on the Indian subcontinent, because India and Israel can't (and won't) live with the imminent threat of annihilation at the hand of nutwagon Islamist goons.

Jesus, mercy. Mary, pray.


HAT TIP: Crunchy Con.

How stupid can you get?

This stupid, proving there's never a dull day when you work for the New Orleans Times-Picayune . . . even if you're covering Covington, La.

A Covington jewelry store owner and five teenagers were arrested Monday night after police responded to the store where a make-believe armed robbery was being carried out and videotaped as part of a school project, authorities said.

A witness called police about 4:45 p.m. after seeing what appeared to be an armed robbery at Expressions in Gold jewelry at 842 North Collins Boulevard, Covington Police spokesman Capt. Jack West said.

The caller said two teenagers had put on ski masks, got an assault rifle and a pistol out of the trunk of their vehicle, and went into the store, West said. The teens pointed the weapons at the people in the store, and the witness saw the people raise their hands into the air, he said.

Police arrived within 30 seconds, and the SWAT team was called out, West said. A police sniper was in position before store owner Janet Deluca came outside and said the group was simply making a movie, he said.

The video was being shot as part of a school project, West said.

When officers went inside and asked to see the firearms, the teenagers said they did not have any weapons, West said. After further questioning they showed officers where they had hidden the guns in the store, he said. Officers confiscated an SKS assault rifle, according to the police department.

JUST WHAT THE HELL did these kids -- not to mention the jewelry-store owner, who's old enough to know better -- figure people would think when they saw young people get out of a car, put on ski masks, draw weapons and run inside?

The damn fools are lucky they didn't get shot.

The cop in the WGNO television report was right -- if the numskulls had told the police what was up and gotten a permit, there would have been no problem . . . and no bystanders would have been making panicked phone calls to 911.

At a bare minimum, it should have been made clear to passers-by that a movie was being filmed.

BUT NO. The little darlings do something idiotic, get arrested by rightly ticked-off Covington police officers, and they (along with their equally foolish parents) are wondering why they're in dutch with the law.

Here's why: It's because they scared people witless, endangered officers and others as police descended upon the scene at breakneck speed, diverted city resources from preventing actual crime, and wasted what was, I'm sure, a not-insignificant amount of taxpayers' money.

Really, what were they thinking? And what are they thinking now, all incredulous that they're in trouble?

What, that New Orleans is the only place folks might reasonably assume there was a violent crime being committed when they see such? That only black folk rob people?

I'm almost sorry the cops didn't rough the little twerps up (and that goes double for the alleged "adult" of the bunch) just for the hell of it.

Almost.

The Divine Comedy (Central)

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
We Don't Torture
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

Again, what does it say about us that the most cogent, honest commentary in the American media comes from Comedy Central?

BE THAT AS IT MAY, I think there is one clear-cut, indisputable observation we can make about both those who run and those who observe United States of America: Torture Regime. The main thing American elites take away from their excellent educations at excellent schools is ever more witty, smooth and sophisticated ways of denying a fundamental thing their mamas told them when they were 4 or 5 -- that two wrongs don't make a right.

And what part, exactly, of waterboarding Kalid Sheikh Mohammed 183 times in a month just screams "Mama would be so proud"?

Well, maybe if Mama were Eva Braun or Ma Barker. . . .

The Good Book warns us "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." Al Qaida isn't the only bunch who ought to be scared s***less on that count.


HAT TIP: Catholic and Enjoying It

Benedict Harman

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

What do you call a congresswoman promising to intervene with The Man on behalf of alleged spies for a foreign government, but who never has to face the music because the president needs her to defend his dubious domestic-spying program?

In Washington, apparently, you call it business as usual. You call it your government at work . . . for other people.

YOU CALL IT the hottest item on the CQ Politics website:

Rep. Jane Harman , the California Democrat with a longtime involvement in intelligence issues, was overheard on an NSA wiretap telling a suspected Israeli agent that she would lobby the Justice Department reduce espionage-related charges against two officials of the American Israeli Public Affairs Committee, the most powerful pro-Israel organization in Washington.

Harman was recorded saying she would "waddle into" the AIPAC case "if you think it'll make a difference," according to two former senior national security officials familiar with the NSA transcript.

In exchange for Harman's help, the sources said, the suspected Israeli agent pledged to help lobby Nancy Pelosi , D-Calif., then-House minority leader, to appoint Harman chair of the Intelligence Committee after the 2006 elections, which the Democrats were heavily favored to win.

Seemingly wary of what she had just agreed to, according to an official who read the NSA transcript, Harman hung up after saying, "This conversation doesn't exist."

(snip)

It's true that allegations of pro-Israel lobbyists trying to help Harman get the chairmanship of the intelligence panel by lobbying and raising money for Pelosi aren't new.

They were widely reported in 2006, along with allegations that the FBI launched an investigation of Harman that was eventually dropped for a "lack of evidence."

What is new is that Harman is said to have been picked up on a court-approved NSA tap directed at alleged Israel covert action operations in Washington.

And that, contrary to reports that the Harman investigation was dropped for "lack of evidence," it was Alberto R. Gonzales, President Bush's top counsel and then attorney general, who intervened to stop the Harman probe.

Why? Because, according to three top former national security officials, Gonzales wanted Harman to be able to help defend the administration's warrantless wiretapping program, which was about break in The New York Times and engulf the White House.

As for there being "no evidence" to support the FBI probe, a source with first-hand knowledge of the wiretaps called that "bull****."

"I read those transcripts," said the source, who like other former national security officials familiar with the transcript discussed it only on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of domestic NSA eavesdropping.

I USED TO THINK the Washington back-and-forth between Democrats and Republicans was a case of Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber. Now, I'm thinking it might be more a case of Spy vs. Spy.

Baton Rouge High to Obama: HELP!!!

Well, there's one thing about growing up in Louisiana -- and being exposed to public education in Baton Rouge. You certainly have stories to tell.

The story of my alma mater, Baton Rouge Magnet High School, just won two students there second place in C-SPAN's StudentCam 2009 competition.

See, you can't make this s*** up.

Silly Sunday

DiMaggio isn't Italian for 'gopher' is it?

"Check me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're going to lock me up and throw away the key."

"Not golfers, you great git! Gophers! The little, brown, furry rodents!"

"We can do that; we don't even have to have a reason. All right, let's do the same thing, but with gophers!"

FAST FORWARD 29 years. Put Bill Murray on the golf course . . . again.

And be afraid. Be very afraid, sez MSNBC:

Actor Bill Murray hooked a tee shot so badly during a Pro-Am event on Friday that the ball sailed across a street next to the hole and hit a woman in her front yard. She was knocked to the ground and had to go to the hospital.

Murray was on No. 9 at the TPC Tampa Bay during the first round of the Outback Pro-Am when he hit Gail DiMaggio as she was watching the tournament.

He was playing with Hal Sutton, Jeff Sluman and Fred Paglia. They continued while Murray's caddy took him in a cart to the woman's yard, where paramedics were attending to her. Tournament officials said DiMaggio was lying on the ground, but conscious and moving.

"I wasn't sure I was in bounds or not," Murray said. "And I saw this NBC golf cart coming at me and he said, 'I hate to be the one to tell you this but you hit a lady. She's down on the ground.' That is, you know, sobering."

Murray said DiMaggio was taken to a local hospital.

"She was overjoyed when she saw me because she said she had come out to see me and her husband had just said, 'I hope he hits it over here,' " said Murray, who did not finish his round.

GOPHERS, you great git! Gophers!

A tortured interpretation of the law

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It would appear the United States' long Cold War struggle against the Soviet Union -- and Korean War experience fighting the Red Chinese -- was extremely important in at least one respect.

IT TAUGHT US how to be just like what we purported to abhor, according to a Washington Post report on just-released U.S. government memos on "enhanced interrogation."

The newly released Justice Department memos place medical officials at the scene of the earliest CIA interrogations. At least one psychologist was present — and others were frequently consulted — during the interrogation of Abu Zubaida, the nom de guerre of Zayn al-Abidin Muhammed Hussein, a Palestinian who was captured by CIA and Pakistani intelligence officers in March 2002, the Justice documents state.

An Aug. 1, 2002, memo said the CIA relied on its "on-site psychologists" for help in designing an interrogation program for Abu Zubaida and ultimately came up with a list of 10 methods drawn from a U.S. military training program known as Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape, or SERE. That program, used to help prepare pilots endure torture in the event they are captured, is loosely based on techniques that were used by the Communist Chinese to torture American prisoners of war.

The role played by psychologists in adapting SERE methods for interrogation has been described in books and news articles, including some in The Washington Post. Author Jane Mayer and journalist Katherine Eban separately identified as key figures James Mitchell and Bruce Jessen, two psychologists in Washington state who worked as CIA contractors after 2001 and had extensive experience in SERE training. Mitchell, reached by telephone, declined to comment, and Jessen could not be reached yesterday.

The CIA psychologists had personal experience with SERE and helped convince CIA officials that harsh tactics would coerce confessions from Abu Zubaida without inflicting permanent harm. Waterboarding was touted as particularly useful because it was "reported to be almost 100 percent effective in producing cooperation," the memo said.

The agency then used a psychological assessment of Abu Zubaida to find his vulnerable points. One of them, it turns out, was a severe aversion to bugs.

"He appears to have a fear of insects," states the memo, which describes a plan to place a caterpillar or similar creature inside a tiny wooden crate in which Abu Zubaida was confined. CIA officials say the plan was never carried out.

Former intelligence officials contend that Abu Zubaida was found to have played a less important role in al-Qaeda than initially believed and that under harsh interrogation he provided little useful information about the organization's plans.

The memos acknowledge that the presence of medical professionals posed an ethical dilemma. But they contend that the CIA's use of doctors in interrogations was morally distinct from the practices of other countries that the United States has accused of committing torture. One memo notes that doctors who observed interrogations were empowered to stop them "if in their professional judgment the detainee may suffer severe physical or mental pain or suffering." In one instance, the CIA chose not to subject a detainee to waterboarding due to a "medical contraindication," according to a May 10, 2005, memo.

Yet, some doctors and ethicists insist that any participation by physicians was tantamount to complicity in torture.

"I don't think we had any idea doctors were involved to this extent, and it will shock most physicians," said George Annas, a professor of health law, bioethics and human rights at Boston University.

IF WE ARE STILL a nation ruled by law and not the strongman of the month, there will be consequences for those whose tortured interpretation of federal and international law permitted the torture of "high-value" detainees.

That includes George Bush and Dick Cheney.

If there are no consequences for serious violations of federal and international law, the consequence of that inaction will fall upon the rule of law itself. We will indeed be a banana republic with nukes. Or perhaps much worse.

3 Chords & the Truth: Let the sun shine in

This week on 3 Chords & the Truth, we look at dreams. Broken dreams and the "losers" who once dreamed, but no more.

People like, for example, Fantine in Les Miserables. She had a dream; it turned into a living hell:

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

IT HAPPENS. A lot.

And we declare people "losers" a lot, too. We take one quick look and throw them onto the refuse heap of life. A lot of the time, we're very wrong on that score -- not that we ever know it amid the utter certainty of our judgment.

But sometimes . . . sometimes we get to find out just how wrong we are. The clouds of our cynicism part, and the sunshine breaks through.

OF COURSE you've heard of Susan Boyle by now, and you've probably seen the video from Britain's Got Talent, too. There it is above this post, in case you haven't . . . or just want to watch it again and rejoice in having your prejudices smashed to bits. Go ahead and watch, because there's an amazing backstory.

See, that's the sunshine parting the clouds.

This week on the Big Show, we're all about the sunshine -- all about a long musical exploration of the topic. And it's all because we were just gobsmacked by a bright ray of the stuff, and it feels pretty damn good.

Sunshine. Maybe that's what Winston Churchill had in mind when, during the darkest days of World War II, he said:

Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing, great or small, large or petty--never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.

ESPECIALLY WHEN the enemy is ourselves. If we give into the darkness, we'll never see the sunshine on the other side. Never get to prove so many people so horribly wrong . . . like Susan Boyle did.

It's 3 Chords & the Truth, y'all. Be there. Aloha.

It's ruff being a writer nowadays

Used to be you had to be able to read and write to get a book deal.

Sky News reports times have changed:

His remarkable journey to the White House has already captivated a global audience and now he will star in his own children's book.

Barack Obama gets a walk-on part, but it is his new best friend Bo who has been given the central role in his own shaggy dog story.

The book Bo, America's Commander In Leash will be released next week, despite the Portuguese water dog being barely days into his role as First Puppy.

Mascot Books, a small independent publisher from Virginia, has rushed out the title to capitalise on the world media coverage of the Presidential family's new pet.

LET'S HOPE BO doesn't piddle on Jay Leno's couch during the book tour.

Change Texicans can believe in

Well, Barack Obama did campaign on the theme of "change" -- I'm sorry, "CHANGE."

BUT I'M NOT SURE what Texas Gov. Rick Perry talked about Wednesday at an Austin "Tea Party" protest was what the president had in mind. The Associated Press has the details:

Perry called his supporters patriots. Later, answering news reporters' questions, Perry suggested Texans might at some point get so fed up they would want to secede from the union, though he said he sees no reason why Texas should do that.

"There's a lot of different scenarios," Perry said. "We've got a great union. There's absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what might come out of that. But Texas is a very unique place, and we're a pretty independent lot to boot."

He said when Texas entered the union in 1845 it was with the understanding it could pull out. However, according to the Texas State Library and Archives Commission, Texas negotiated the power to divide into four additional states at some point if it wanted to but not the right to secede.

Texas did secede in 1861, but the North's victory in the Civil War put an end to that.

AS THE GREAT modern-day prophet Walker Percy wrote, "The center did not hold." We're seeing that come true more and more every day. Selah.

Woody Allen no match for Dov's bar

It takes a freak.

To make one feel intense sympathy for Woody Allen.

Briefly, American Apparel for a week supplemented its advertising menu of oversexed, barely-clad youths with New York and Los Angeles billboards featuring a still of Allen, dressed as an Hasidic rabbi, from his 1977 film "Annie Hall." Allen, who never gave his permission for his image to be used in the ads, took umbrage and sued for $10 million.

American Apparel -- caught dead to rights in what would seem a pretty straightforward copyright transgression -- has opted upon a scorched-earth defense, centering on the premise that Allen's image isn't worth much because the old perv ruined it himself.

HERE'S THE STORY from The Associated Press:

Now the company plans to make Allen’s relationships to actress Mia Farrow and her adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn the focus of a trial scheduled to begin in federal court in Manhattan on May 18, according to the company’s lawyer, Stuart Slotnick.

“Woody Allen expects $10 million for use of his image on billboards that were up and down in less than one week. I think Woody Allen overestimates the value of his image,” Slotnick said.

“Certainly, our belief is that after the various sex scandals that Woody Allen has been associated with, corporate America’s desire to have Woody Allen endorse their product is not what he may believe it is.”

(snip)

Slotnick said it was not a cheap shot to bring up Allen’s sex life in a lawsuit over the billboard and Internet ads.

“It’s certainly relevant in assessing the value of an endorsement,” he said, noting that Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps lost endorsement power after a photograph surfaced of him using marijuana.

OY VEH. One is tempted to think the eccentric-yet-genius director has it coming . . . until you realize that even dirty old men have the right not to have giant garment companies profit off their image gratis.

And when you go to the trouble to learn a little about American Apparel and its horndog founder, Dov Charney, you are suddenly and strangely compelled to make a hysterical YouTube video demanding everybody "LEAVE WOODY ALONE!"

Let's put it this way: If it's sexual ethics we're worried about, Woody Allen may be Miles Monroe with youngish tastes, but Dov Charney is Pee-wee Herman with a hunger for his female employees. Among other things.

You need to be eased into the weird, wild world of the World's Biggest Hypocrite, so let us start here:

Mary Nelson is one of three women who filed sexual harassment lawsuits against Charney last year. Keith Fink is often on the other side of this debate, hired by companies trying to ward off harassment litigation.

Josh Mankiewicz, Dateline correspondent: You do workshops for employers telling them how to avoid sexual harassment cases.

Keith Fink, attorney for Mary Nelson: Quite often. I’m a pretty entertaining guy.

Mankiewicz: And you give out a bunch of guidelines for people to sort of live by if they wanna stay out of a courtroom.

Fink: Absolutely.

Mankiewicz: How many of those guidelines were broken at American Apparel?

Fink: Every single one of them.

(snip)

Mankiewicz: Mr. Charny’s been pretty open about the fact that he’s been involved personally with a number of his employees.

Fink: Open. Brazen. Yes.

Charney has talked to reporters from the New York Times, Business Week and Jane magazine about his intimate relationships with women who work for him. “I’m not saying I want to screw all the girls at work,” he was quoted as saying in Jane, “But if I fall in love at work it’s going to be beautiful and sexual.”

By all accounts, the women who have sued Dov Charney for sexual harassment—including Fink’s client Mary Nelson—were not intimately involved with him. But Nelson and the two others claimed the boss shocked and disgusted them with dirty talk and gestures, creating what some lawyers call a phrase you’ve heard before, “a hostile work environment.”

Mary Nelson started working as a wholesale salesperson at American Apparel in 2003 when she was 31. Over the next year and a half, she claims in her complaint, her boss made her work life miserable with unwelcome sexual comments and suggestive signals. And she says she was dismissed after she complained.

In the videotaped deposition, over several days, her lawyer grilled Charney about all of it.

Fink (deposition): Did you ever, at work, refer to women as “sluts”?

Charney: In private conversations, where such language was generally welcome.

Fink: Do you view "slut" to be a derogatory term?

Charney: You know, there are some of us that love sluts. You know, it’s not necessarily—it could be also be an endearing term.

Fink: An endearing term. Is that something you call your mother?

Charney: No. But it’s maybe something that you call your lover.

Fink (Dateline interview): I’m very difficult to floor me. That floored me when I heard his explanation that “slut” is an endearing term.

Charney freely admits using a number of explicit terms for female body parts—including the “C” word.

Charney: During the period when she worked, did I use the word c***?

Fink: In the workplace?

Charney: Absolutely, as she did.

Fink: I didn’t ask you if she did.

Charney: I’m telling you a little more. I’m volunteering a little more ha ha [sticks out tongue].

The company argues in the freewheeling creative environment of American Apparel, it’s not inappropriate to use foul language.

And in fact, a recent court decision might back that up: this spring the California Supreme Court ruled that an assistant scriptwriter on the NBC sitcom "Friends" could not proceed with a sexual harassment lawsuit. The court ruled that lewd language was permissible in a creative workplace generating scripts with sexual themes.

Charney hangs explicit vintage magazines on the walls of his retail stores. He even posed for one ad himself in the magazine “Sweet Action.” To Charney, it’s all part of an unconventional vibe he says is the very essence of his hip young company.

Charney: I believe that we work hard to create an environment of freedom.

And in the world of Dov Charney, freedom can sometimes mean dressing down at the office.

Fink: At the workplace in the years 2003 and 2004 how often in the work week would you be in your underwear?

Charney: There were months I was in my underwear all the time. It became very common.

I THINK, in reference to American Apparel's defense against Woody Allen's lawsuit, that is commonly referred to as "the pot calling the kettle black." But this -- again, from Dateline NBC -- is where the concept breaks new ground:

If you think it’s outlandish that a boss would make that comment, even in jest, consider this: when Claudine Ko, a reporter for Jane magazine was spending time with Charney in 2004 to research a profile, she says the CEO pleasured himself in front of her.

Claudine Ko, reporter for Jane magazine: On one hand, I was shocked. But, on the other hand—no, I—I was shocked.

Ko says it happened several times, always at Charney’s apartment after a few drinks. She makes no apologies for her decision not to excuse herself when her interview subject pulled down his pants. She says she was just trying to show readers the real Dov Charney, and she says she was a willing observer.

Ko: I did not feel sexually harassed. You know I knew -- I felt comfortable knowing that if I asked ‘em to stop it, he would.

And that’s not the only thing she reported seeing Charney do outside the office.

Fink: Do you remember [bleep] giving you oral sex in front of the reporter?

Charney’s lawyer: Objection; privacy. Direct the witness not to answer.

Ko: He and his—one of his assistants engaged in sexual relations. You know, at no point did I ever think I’m gonna walk out of this room or I am uncomfortable. I just thought, “This is gonna be a fantastic story.”

American Apparel describes what happened between the reporter and Charney as “consensual sexual exchanges” and says that Charney and his assistant with whom he was involved at the time thought their activities would be kept private. The company calls it “a social situation which...unfortunately was exploited in order to sell magazines.”
The reporter says that’s wrong, saying Charney was well aware the whole thing could end up in print.

Ko: You can do what you want but just remember, I’m a reporter and I’m going to be writing a story at the end of all of this.

In her story, Ko reported that the sexual encounter she witnessed between Charney and his assistant appeared to be entirely consensual. She also says she interviewed many American Apparel employees, who all seemed happy with their jobs and didn’t consider their boss a pervert.

Ko: If you go to the headquarters, it’s not like you go and you see people having sex on the production floors. It’s not just, like, you know, all out debauchery.

But of all the strange things that may or may not have happened between Dov Charney and his subordinates, perhaps the strangest involves what he wore for part of a business meeting at his L.A. home which plaintiff Mary Nelson says she attended.

Fink: He recalled you wearing a sock on your penis while Ms. Nelson was in your home is that correct?

Charney: The product is called a [bleep] sock.

For the record, Charney says he doesn’t recall whether Mary Nelson was present at the infamous sock meeting, but he says there wouldn’t be anything wrong with wearing the item in front of her. He says he was simply modeling a potential new product.

Fink: Does it cover the entire buttocks?

Charney: No. But neither does a thong.

BELIEVE ME, the NBC report was a sanitized version of the Weird, Wild World of Dov Charney. Here are some excerpts from the actual article in Jane, courtesy of the Jewilicious blog:

I asked him how he relaxed. Oral sex he says, settling into a chair behind a cloud of smoke. “I love it . . . I am a bit of a dirty guy, but people like that right now.”

Explaining exactly how the rest of the night unraveled is somewhat difficult. Let’s just say, the female employee helped him “put on a show” for me. I watched, trying to be objective, detached -- sorta like a . . . war reporter?

Ko goes to Charney’s pad late one evening for an interview session:

Soon enough he loosens his Pierre Cardin belt.
“Are you going to do it again?” I ask.

“Can I?” he says adjusting himself in his chair.

And thus begins another compulsive episode of what Dov likes to call “self-pleasure,” during which we casually carry on our interview, discussing things like business models, hiring practices and the stupidity of focus groups.

“Masturbation in front of women is underrated,” Dov explains to me later over the phone. “It’s much easier on the woman. She gets to watch, it’s a sensual experience that doesn’t involve a man violating a woman, yet once the man has his release, it’s over and you can talk to the guy.”

Ko claims that in the month she spent with Charney, she watched him pleasure himself eight or so times. She ends the article by describing how she leaves Charney in New York, interview completed, and hails a cab. “Then as I step into the depths of the backseat, I realize I don’t want this trip to end just yet.”

AMERICAN APPAREL'S lawyers have a lot of damn nerve. Just like Dov Charney has a lot of damn problems -- the first of which is being a pervert.

Suddenly, poor old Woody Allen is starting to look a lot more normal. And like a much more sympathetic character.

Leave Woody ALONE!!!

King of the boob tube

Blago, King of the Jungle. I'll see your "reality TV" and raise you projectile vomiting.

That seems to me to be a fitting response to the news that NBC has signed the indicted former governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, for its latest reality show, I'm a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here. No, I'm a viewer . . . get me out of here.

ANYWAY, the network thinks Blago's notoriety will garner good ratings for the summer series, which will air four nights a week. Natch, everything is pending court approval.

Personally, in this case, I would welcome a little judicial activism in the name of preserving what's left of our culture. Revoking the ex-governor's bail might be nice.

If you can take it, read this from James Hibbard's The Live Feed:

Given Blagojevich's notoriety following his arrest on federal corruption charges, he's bound to garner some curiosity tune-in for the network. Celebrity is produced by Granada, which signed the governor for the show pending the court's approval.

Official Celebrity description: "Ten celebrities of various backgrounds will be dropped into the heart of the Costa Rican jungle to face challenges designed to test their skills in adapting to the wilderness and to raise money for their favorite charities."

THERE'S A small problem with the charity deal, of course. (And isn't it funny how we will countenance the most insipid things so long as "charity" gets a cut?)

You see, Rod Blagojevich's favorite charity is Rod Blagojevich. Thus the criminal charges.

Sigh.

Aye, there's the rub!

A lesson for managers everywhere to remember in these tough economic times: If you run off all the people who produce the product you're trying to sell . . . you won't have anything to sell.

This is particularly applicable to the print and broadcast arts, where the temptation is to fire, fire, fire to cut costs in the midst of collapsing advertising revenues. Newspapers (and radio) are fast reaching the point where there's not going to be enough staff to produce enough of a product that their remaining readers (and listeners) might care to bother with.

No audience, really no advertising.

THIS LESSON is being presented in distilled form right now at the Omaha Community Playhouse, the nation's largest community theater. In the name of tight finances and organizational efficiency, the theater's executive director and board decided to pick on "creative."

They asked the theater's artistic director, who also is one of its two principal directors, to resign. That he did.

What they didn't count on was his declining to direct various shows on a freelance basis. And what they also didn't count on was the other principal director turning down a pruned-down version of his job, then quitting in solidarity.

Nor did they count on three-fourths of an upcoming production's cast to take a hike as well.

THAT'S WHAT you call an "epic fail." But wait! There's more! And it's not even intermission yet.

Cue the Omaha World-Herald:

The staff shake-up at the Omaha Community Playhouse could drive a financial stake through the nonprofit theater's heart.

The simultaneous departures of directors Carl Beck and Susan Baer Collins from the playhouse has stirred new concerns — both financial and artistic — for "A Christmas Carol," the theater's biggest revenue producer.

Jerry Longe, the professional actor who has played Scrooge on the playhouse's main stage for the past three years, said Monday that he would leave his role if Beck and Collins leave the playhouse.

Both have said they plan to leave. They hired him for the role in 2005.

"I can't imagine doing that show without Carl directing," Longe said. "I can't imagine that show is even going to go up without Carl and Susie, who know the magic of it.

"But I'm still hoping for a reconciliation of some sort."

The 33-year hit holiday show in which Longe stars, written by former playhouse Executive Director Charles Jones, earns more than one out of every five dollars in the theater's budget. It has generated publicity and millions of dollars since 1976 and is crucial to the playhouse's artistic identity and financial stability.

Longe stepped into the shoes of Dick Boyd, who played 818 performances as Scrooge before retiring from the role at age 83. The crowds have since warmed to Longe. He had the added boost of a show makeover — new sets, costumes and special effects — when he started as Scrooge.

"It would break my heart to not do Scrooge again," Longe said. "But we have to move on."

Playhouse Executive Director Tim Schmad declined to comment on the developments regarding "A Christmas Carol." He said he would wait for an open forum, at 5:30 this evening in the playhouse's main auditorium.

OOPS. You can't sell nothing, guys.

Methinks somebody's going to lose their job over this one. And it's not going to be the directors, who already quit, or the volunteer actors, whom you couldn't fire if they hadn't already walked.

It's got to happen, because the Playhouse now finds itself facing a dilemma worthy of Hamlet.

"To be, or not to be: That is the question."

Now, a message from der Führer

Before American TV, British TV, French TV or any other regular television service, there was Deutscher Fernseh-Rundfunk -- the state TV service in Nazi Germany.

Nazi TV went on the air from Berlin in 1935, beating the BBC's regular television service by a year. And, amazingly, hundreds of 35-millimeter movie reels of programming survive, some of which we get to see in the above Spiegel TV documentary from 1999.

Creepy? You bet.

BUT WHAT'S INTERESTING is how the Nazi leadership had serious doubts about television's effectiveness as a propaganda tool. Obviously, they couldn't foresee the day when Hollywood got a hold of the idiot box and changed the world.

Which brings me to my point. Television is a lousy propaganda tool if you're all about convincing the crowd instead of that one person glued to the tube. If you're all about overt propaganda, TV is about as effective as screaming on a street corner.

No, TV -- and radio, in a different way -- is all about showing. It's about entertaining, and it's about distracting. Ultimately, though, it's about relationships.

On television and radio, the most effective messages are subliminal, not direct. You build a relationship, you humanize your subject . . . then you slip in your message. Don't preach, show.

Apparently, the Third Reich's leadership, in this case, couldn't think inside the Box. Watching the old Nazi TV clips, it reminded me of an evil version of EWTN.

Der Führer couldn't see television's possibilities for spreading his lies. And today, the Catholics (for one) can't figure out how to use it -- or radio, for that matter -- to tell the truth.

Both are often painful to watch.

Fresh media meat on the chopping block

The Grim Reaper puts in some overtime at yet another American newspaper. This time, it's the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

IT SEEMS 74 newsroom employees saw the handwriting on the newsprint and took buyouts. Others, including the entire news art department, just got the ax straight, no chaser, reports Scott Henry on the Creative Loafing Atlanta newsweekly web site.

But AJC staffers are most outraged by the surprise firing of newsroom assistant Mark Slockett, who had worked at the paper more than 30 years. I’m told Slockett had struggled over whether to take the buyout, but had ultimately decided against doing so because he was only a few months away from being eligible to receive full retirement benefits. I’m trying to verify this information, but I’ve already spoken to more than one newsroom employee angry over the apparent shoddy treatment of Slockett.

“This had always been a company that took care of its employees,” one staffer told me who asked not to be named. “But this seems to be an indication that they don’t care anymore.”

JOURNALISTS, just like everybody else, have to get it through their heads: You're pieces of meat.

It's a utilitarian world out there, and you're only worth what you're worth to somebody else. Truly, like Dino used to sing, "You're nobody till somebody loves you. You're nobody till somebody cares."

American society has chosen its path, and turning back won't be easy. Because, frankly, we're all pretty much in agreement -- at least until we're the piece of meat on the chopping block.

No, in the womb or on the job in this utilitarian kind of world, you're worth only what you're worth to your betters.

You may be king, you may possess the world and it's gold,
But gold won't bring you happiness when you're growing old.
The world still is the same, you never change it,
As sure as the stars shine above;
You're nobody till somebody loves you,
So find yourself somebody to love.

And quick.

The Resurrection, brought to you by. . . .

"Not to be forgotten, certainly, in the celebration of Easter '58 is the religious significance of this holiday. In keeping with Easter's serious meaning. . . ."

NO, WE CERTAINLY wouldn't want to forget that, now, would we? But first, this message from Willoughby's, the world's largest camera store in the heart of America's greatest shopping center.

Because we've had our priorities straight in this country for a long, long time. At least since this Easter Sunday extravaganza on WABD, Channel 5 in New York, circa 1958.

Let's try to do better this year, shall we?

Killing Cassandra

It's like a scene out of the ruins of postwar Europe. There's a denuded landscape and desperation is in the air.

Desperate people are doing desperate things, among them women trading their virtue for greenback American dollars. Or nylons and Hershey bars. You need what you need, and you'll sell anything -- or anyone -- to get it.

Even one's soul. Humanity can be ugly that way.

The principle holds, even when the denuded landscape is merely financial and we're talking federal grants instead of Spam or candy bars. We all have our reasons for prostituting ourselves, but objective reality tells us nevertheless that a whore is a whore is a whore.

MY ALMA MATER, Louisiana State University, is a whore. For indeterminate reason$, but following year$ of official hara$$ment, it finally ha$ fired the Ca$$andra of Katrina -- profe$$or Ivor van Heerden of the L$U Hurricane Center. Van Heerden was the man who headed up the state's investigation into why New Orleans' levees failed during the storm, killing hundreds upon hundreds of people.

And he was the man who tried to tell people what would -- and did -- happen to the city if and when a storm just like Katrina struck. He was ignored then; he's been fired now.

Why?

THE REASON probably was pretty well outlined in a 2006 New York Times article:

To many in Louisiana this outspokenness has made Dr. van Heerden a hero. But at his university it has gotten him called on the carpet for threatening the institution's relationship with the federal government and the research money that comes with that. Last November two vice chancellors at Louisiana State — Michael Ruffner, in charge of communications for the university, and Harold Silverman, who leads the office of research — brought him in for a meeting. As Dr. van Heerden recalled in an interview in Baton Rouge, La., the two administrators — one of whom controlled his position, which is nontenured — said that "they would prefer that I not talk to the press because it could hurt L.S.U.'s chances of getting federal funding in the future."

The administrators told him to work through the university's media relations department instead.

Dr. van Heerden regarded the meeting as a threat to his career. "I actually spoke to my wife about it that night," he remembered, "and said: 'Look, we need to recognize that I could lose my job. Are we prepared for that? Because I'm not going to stop.'"

HERE'S ANOTHER SIDE of that same story from Thursday's New Orleans Times-Picayune:

A version of Ruffner's letter also appeared in The New York Times, which prompted [hurricane center chief Marc] Levitan to demand a meeting with Ruffner to get a retraction and an apology on van Heerden's behalf. Although he does not have an engineering degree, van Heerden was granted a doctorate in marine sciences by LSU in 1983, and the research he had overseen at his health center was aimed at determining the potential for hurricane storm surge to overtop the New Orleans levee system.

"I brought a copy of Ivor's resume, showed him his background and degrees and a copy of the summary of the Team Louisiana contract that Ivor was appointed to head, " Levitan said Thursday. He also pointed out that van Heerden had issued his critiques of the corps as the director of the forensic investigation, which included a team of scientists and civil engineers.

Ruffner refused to retract the letter or apologize, Levitan said.

"At this point, Ruffner also mentioned to me -- and this was still in the post-Katrina environment when, every single day, hurricanes were front-page news -- that van Heerden was causing problems with the Hurricane Center and if he were no longer part of the center, things would probably be better for the Hurricane Center on campus, " Levitan said, "at which point, I told him to go stuff it and walked out of his office."

Levitan, still an engineering professor in the university's department of civil and environmental engineering, said he expects to be criticized by LSU's leadership for revealing his meeting with the chancellors to the media.

"But it's time for me to come to his defense, " Levitan said. "For someone who has done so much for LSU and the state, this is uncalled for."

IF LSU was that terrified of the threat van Heerden posed to its access to federal grant money during the fat times of 2006, imagine the panic and paranoia running through Thomas Boyd Hall now the state is gutting the school's budget during the Depression of Aught Nine.

Obviously scared enough that the non-tenured van Heerden, who also was removed as deputy director of the Hurricane Center, will be gone when his contract is up next spring. Again, the Times-Picayune:

Also, engineering professor Marc Levitan has stepped down as the center's director. University officials say they will reshape the center's research direction in the wake of the moves.

Van Heerden will remain director of the LSU Center for the Study of Public Health Impacts of Hurricanes, financed by a $3.65 million Louisiana Board of Regents Health Excellence Fund, until his LSU contract ends next year.

LSU officials have refused to address the van Heerden decision, citing the school's policy of not commenting about personnel matters.

"Legally, we're not allowed to comment on any kind of personnel action, " said spokeswoman Kristine Calongne. "We're bound by confidentiality of our employees."

Van Heerden said the university would not give him a reason, either. David Constant, interim dean of LSU's College of Engineering, told him the decision "wasn't due to my performance. But he couldn't tell me why," van Heerden said.

WELL, IF IT WASN'T due to his performance, and if van Heerden hasn't been arrested for something, that narrows the range of what we're to think, now, doesn't it?

And I think the LSU administration is standing on the rubble-strewn street corner, wearing its best come-hither face and saying "Hey, Uncle Sam! You gotta some nylons, I gotta some. . . . (winks)"

The cost of this institutional prostitution will be high, primarily for the long-suffering residents of Louisiana. By all accounts, the LSU Hurricane Center -- and van Heerden -- had been doing yeoman's work, in addition to gaining favorable attention for the university. Furthermore, it is without doubt that the center's work and van Heerden's post-Katrina quest -- if allowed to proceed unhindered -- would have saved many lives.

Would have. Because, you see, that work and van Heerden's quest have just been hindered by the university. One that allegedly exists in the public interest.

And, really, since when have Louisiana's government and its public institutions been all about the public good?

SOME MIGHT SAY Ivor van Heerden's firing is just par for the course at a crooked little school in a crooked little state. I'd suspect they're probably right. I'd also suspect that a lot fewer Louisianians will care about this LSU personnel matter than care passionately and obsessively about who's in and who's out at the LSU Athletic Department.

If Les Miles gets fired because LSU can't win enough football games, the only losers are Miles and the boosters who have to ante up to buy out his massive contract. But if the university is going around firing environmental scientists and "reshaping" its hurricane center's "research direction" because it doesn't like the inconvenient truths LSU scientists unearth, that's going to get somebody -- or a lot of somebodies -- killed.

Despicable.

Good Friday

Psalm 22
1 To the choirmaster: according to The Hind of the Dawn. A Psalm of David. My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Why art thou so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning? 2 O my God, I cry by day, but thou dost not answer; and by night, but find no rest. 3 Yet thou art holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel. 4 In thee our fathers trusted; they trusted, and thou didst deliver them. 5 To thee they cried, and were saved; in thee they trusted, and were not disappointed. 6 But I am a worm, and no man; scorned by men, and despised by the people. 7 All who see me mock at me, they make mouths at me, they wag their heads; 8 "He committed his cause to the LORD; let him deliver him, let him rescue him, for he delights in him!" 9 Yet thou art he who took me from the womb; thou didst keep me safe upon my mother's breasts. 10 Upon thee was I cast from my birth, and since my mother bore me thou hast been my God.

11 Be not far from me, for trouble is near and there is none to help. 12 Many bulls encompass me, strong bulls of Bashan surround me; 13 they open wide their mouths at me, like a ravening and roaring lion. 14 I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint; my heart is like wax, it is melted within my breast; 15 my strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue cleaves to my jaws; thou dost lay me in the dust of death. 16 Yea, dogs are round about me; a company of evildoers encircle me; they have pierced my hands and feet-- 17 I can count all my bones--they stare and gloat over me; 18 they divide my garments among them, and for my raiment they cast lots. 19 But thou, O LORD, be not far off! O thou my help, hasten to my aid! 20 Deliver my soul from the sword, my life from the power of the dog! 21 Save me from the mouth of the lion, my afflicted soul from the horns of the wild oxen!

22 I will tell of thy name to my brethren; in the midst of the congregation I will praise thee: 23 You who fear the LORD, praise him! all you sons of Jacob, glorify him, and stand in awe of him, all you sons of Israel! 24 For he has not despised or abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; and he has not hid his face from him, but has heard, when he cried to him. 25 From thee comes my praise in the great congregation; my vows I will pay before those who fear him. 26 The afflicted shall eat and be satisfied; those who seek him shall praise the LORD! May your hearts live for ever! 27 All the ends of the earth shall remember and turn to the LORD; and all the families of the nations shall worship before him. 28 For dominion belongs to the LORD, and he rules over the nations. 29 Yea, to him shall all the proud of the earth bow down; before him shall bow all who go down to the dust, and he who cannot keep himself alive. 30 Posterity shall serve him; men shall tell of the Lord to the coming generation, 31 and proclaim his deliverance to a people yet unborn, that he has wrought it.

(Revised Standard Version)

What the hell's so complicated about 'Don Ho'?

A nawth Tejas pol thinks Amurcans is so thowed by Asian names thet voters whut come fum thar oughta change unpronounceateable names like "Ho" and "Chen" to sumthin' Texicans can say, like "Yeller" and "Chop Chop."

It all started in a Texas House committee hearing when a representative from the Organization of Chinese Americans tried to explain to Rep. Betty Brown, R-Bugtussle Terrell, that Asians have problems voting because they often use an anglicized name on driver's licenses and other documents rather than the transliteration of their legal, given name.

AT THAT POINT, according to the Houston Chronicle, Brown told Ramey Ko that his fellow Asians wouldn't have no trouble no mo' if they would just change their names to something easier to pronounce than, say, "Ko."

“Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — I understand it’s a rather difficult language — do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could deal with more readily here?” the legislator asked.

Later on -- apparently sensing the hole she'd dug for herself wasn't nearly deep enough -- Brown decided to make herself absolutely clear to the Chinese-American rep.

“Can’t you see that this is something that would make it a lot easier for you and the people who are poll workers if you could adopt a name just for identification purposes that’s easier for Americans to deal with?”

THE WOMAN has a point. Imagine how much bigger of a career the late Don Ho could have had if he'd recorded "Tiny Bubbles" under the name "Don Wojciehowicz."

Ditto for Japanese singing star Kyu Sakamoto, of "Sukiyaki" fame. If he'd had the sense God gave Americans and called himself "K. Hackysack," the man could have been bigger than the Beatles.

At least with the Beatles, you had you a Limey name whut Texicans could deal with. Even if them Anglish people spelt it funny 'n' all.

Oops! Zorry about that

Life in America is just one big movie. Unfortunately, now playing at the Bijou is Full Metal Jacket, and on the second screen . . . Zorro.

The latest American craziness -- this one closer to farce than atrocity on the tragic continuum -- come from Indianapolis, where a 77-year old grandma got herself killed trying to break up a sword fight. Really.

I MEAN, The Associated Press said it, so it can't be totally made up, right?

Anyway, here's the deal: Franziska Stegbauer was trying to break up a sword duel between her grandson and her brother-in-law. It didn't work out.

According to an investigating officer quoted in the AP dispatch: "We're unsure yet who started this fight, how the swordplay got involved. We're not sure who it was who stabbed the woman. We'll have to do some testing on the swords and figure out who had which sword, whose blood is on which sword."

The grandson -- who apparently won the fight -- is being held by police in a secure hospital ward, while the sliced-and-diced brother-in-law is in critical condition.

Sigh. Maybe the proportion of crazy people has gotten high enough in American society that we now need some sort of sword-control legislation.

IF THE COPS can't figure out who killed grandma, maybe -- after everybody is all healed up -- they can just let the warring parties settle things with pistols at 50 paces.

Today, meanwhile, is Holy Thursday. Tonight at my church, we will commemorate the Last Supper, and the Eucharist will be placed upon an altar of repose, where the Body and Blood of Christ will remain until the Good Friday service.

I call these three solemn, holy days -- Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Vigil, known by Catholics as the Triduum -- our yearly attitude adjustment. Three days during which we get to reflect upon exactly how each of us has managed to kill God. How our manifest sins sent Him to the cross.

This year, it seems like, our inherent meanness and insanity is particularly apparent. Or maybe not.

Some people actually thought a sword fight to the death was a good problem-solving mechanism. And look what happened to grandma.