Your Daily '80s: It's Dick Tracy, I tells ya

It's an age of miracles in 1986! Phones you can carry in your pocket! Without wires!

And they only cost a few thou!

What in the world will they think of next?

Scene we'd like to see

Mr. Sanders gives it to Washington

Can't add anything to this, except perhaps for "Amen!"

Oh, all right. I can add this one thing: It's a damned sad day in this sad land when it takes a self-proclaimed democratic socialist to do something seemingly as simple as go onto the floor of the U.S. Senate and tell the God's honest truth.

Contra America's tea-party "patriots," maybe what this country needs is more socialism, not less. Especially if the alternative is plutocracy -- a veritable banana republic . . . with nukes.

3 Chords & the Truth: Post-Thanksgiving whatever

The Thanksgiving turkey has been eaten. So have the leftovers.

All traces of the fowl doings have been erased.

The Christmas cookies are only just now starting to appear, and we're somehow supposed to resume some semblance of normality until the next wild tryptophan-fueled blowout in a few weeks.

Well, OK. You got any damn ideas on how to get back to "normal"? Me neither.

Oh, yeah. This post is about 3 Chords . . . burrrrrrrp . . . & the Truth. Whatever.

I HAVE a vague recollection of music being involved in this week's edition of the Big Show, but don't hold me to that. I also understand it's pretty good, considering.

But don't hold me to that, either.

Listen, I'm going to go get another cup of hot tea. Why don't you do the same, then meet me back here, and we'll give it a listen and see what the hell the deal is. Who knows, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.

Maybe you will, too.

But don't hold me to that. I'm not quite back to "normal" yet. Whatever the hell that is.

Yadda yadda yadda. Etcetera and so on. And now for the hoary old closing line. . . .

It's 3 Chords & the Truth, y'all. Be there. Aloha.

Your Daily '80s: Mel Tormé in 1982

Because we're a classy establishment, that's why.

Enjoy.

Christianity gets Jobs-ed

Forget Julian Assange.

The most dangerous man in the world just might be Steve Jobs.

Why? Because knowledge is power, communications is the conduit, and Jobs is trying to position Apple -- via the iPhone, iPad and ITunes marketplace -- to be the premier gatekeeper in what he envisions as a "walled garden" of information technology, one micromanaged by himself (Himself?) and his techno-nerd corporate minions.

AND APPARENTLY, Apple just has declared mainstream, orthodox Christianity offensive and banished it from the iTunes app store. From the Catholic News Agency:

After Apple Inc. removed the Manhattan Declaration application from iTunes over complaints that it had offensive material, signers are urging the corporation to make it available again.

The Manhattan Declaration application for iPhones and iPads was dropped last month when the activist group Change.org gathered 7,000 signatures for a petition claiming that the application promoted “bigotry” and “homophobia.”

The Declaration – a Christian statement drafted in 2009 that supports religious liberty, traditional marriage and right to life issues – has nearly 500,000 supporters.

The iPhone application, which was previously available for purchase on iTunes, was removed around Thanksgiving.

CNA contacted Apple Dec. 2 for the reason behind the pull. Spokesperson Trudy Muller said via phone that the company “removed the Manhattan Declaration app from the App Store because it violates our developer guidelines by being offensive to large groups of people.”

When asked if Apple plans to release additional statements on the matter, Muller said she had no further comment.

CHRISTIANITY has its truth. Apple, and all the mau-mauers yelling "Hate!" in a crowded app store have theirs. And in a world where truth is relative, and often mutually exclusive, the only currency we have left is power and the ability to subjugate the competition.

It seems I was talking about that just yesterday.

In this kind of an environment, that makes Jobs a really cool Big Brother. It pains me to say this, but "Give me Windows, or give me death!"

The longest week

They say Nebraska's football coach, Bo Pelini, has issues.

Perhaps so. Then again, maybe not. But if you're asking me where you go to find the real mental cases in the Big 12 Conference, I'd say you need look no further than league headquarters in Irving, Tejas.

Like the saying goes, everything's bigger in Tejas. That would include the whack jobs.

Who have been given the keys to an entire conference. Holy crap.

I ASSURE YOU, the Omaha World-Herald ain't making this up. If it were, I wouldn't be worrying whether they're going to be directing security efforts toward the wrong people at Saturday's Nebraska-Oklahoma championship tilt at Cowboys Stadium:

Dallas police now say they are not investigating alleged threats against Big 12 Commissioner Dan Beebe, although they are continuing to provide extra patrols by his family home.

A Dallas Police Department spokesman had said earlier this week that the agency was investigating a report of multiple harassing calls and mail to Beebe’s home. But the spokesman, Sr. Cpl. Kevin Janse, said Thursday that that was a mistake based on a misunderstanding by officers who had been flagged down by Beebe’s wife.

She told the officers that the family had received threats and was concerned, Janse said. Police initially thought the messages had gone to Beebe’s Dallas home, he said. They later determined that they had not gone to the family’s home, but instead were received at Big 12 offices in nearby Irving, Texas, outside Dallas. Irving has its own police department.

Asked for a copy of the report from Beebe’s wife, Janse said there was no written crime report.

Big 12 officials could not be reached for comment Thursday.

Earlier this week, Big 12 spokesman Bob Burda said the matter had been reported to “the authorities,” but declined to name the agency. He said he couldn’t provide copies of the alleged threats because they were under investigation.

CAN NEBRASKA just leave the Big 12 right now? I'm thinking that the farther away NU is from these batsh*t-crazy drama queens, the better.

Seriously, somebody needs to pat down the Big 12 brass before the game. If the Huskers start doing too well, you don't want any conference officials stopping a pick-6 with a 30.06.

Or pulling a Jack Ruby at the trophy presentation. Because, apparently, that's just how Tejans roll.

Just remember, Huskers. It's The Longest Yard out there, and Eddie Albert is being played by Dan Beebe.

Watch your back when you go to retrieve the game ball.

Your Daily '80s: Beta or VHS?

How quaint, these electronic marvels of 1984 and our obsession with -- What do you call them . . . VCR machines?

In case you were wondering how it all turned out, Steve Lincoln's entire life was destroyed by a rogue electrical surge, home taping won, Jack Valenti is dead and Baba Wawa is wewwy wewwy old now and gabbing on The View.


MEANTIME, most of the mom-and-pop video stores no longer exist, and neither does Betamax. And if you want to buy some of these super-cool VCRs and videotapes . . . check out some weekend estate sales.

Well, that's just not his truth

I don't know why Anderson Cooper argues with these "birther" nuts.

Argument is dead. Futile. Useless. So very last century.

This is the postmodern era, and truth is what we say it is. Cooper and CNN have their "facts." The birthers have their truth, and who are we to impose our "truth" on them? That would be rather patriarchal, not to mention a pernicious attempt at intellectual hegemony.

The birthers think President Obama is a radical socialist Muslin Nazi who was bornded in Kenyah. That is their truth, and you can't impinge upon that with your so-called "facts."

THUS, the CNN anchor hit Texas state Rep. Leo Berman with fact after fact that back in the old days should have sunk his rhetorical ship, only to find that today, facts are just so much sound and fury, signifying nothing. And in the insane asylum called Tejas, it wouldn't surprise me if this bill of Berman's passes.

You see, today we don't have facts, we have "facts."

Perhaps the question here for CNN is whose facts do they choose to believe -- the liberal establishment's pinko facts or the facts God-fearing, real-American patriots found on the Internet? The commie liberals have their facts, and the Americans have their facts.

What we have here is a matter of truth vs. truth, and who is anybody to violate another's mind space with their hostile truths?

This is postmodern America, dammit, and we have a way of settling these kinds of disputes. We're going to exercise some raw power here, and whoever doesn't get exterminated gets to believe whatever the hell they want.

It's called "tolerance," and it's the American Way.

And that's the one thing every American can agree on nowadays.

Better recalls through magical thinking

So, Mr. Recall-Petition Circulator, what's the deal here? Why are you trying to get rid of Mayor Jim Suttle?

Long story short, it's all about taxes. Omaha can't afford a spendthrift, tax-crazy mayor like that!

Here's the deal. You see, Jim Suttle . . . mumble mumble . . . uh . . . broken promises . . . uh . . . union deal that cost taxpayers a million dollars. OK, I'm gonna skip some of this stuff . . . mumble mumble . . . you can read it for yourself, but they sayin' it's gonna cost $900,000 to recall him out of office, but that's a bunch of bullcrap . . . mumble mumble . . . he ain't worth supportin'.

It's all perfectly clear, and it's all brought to you by "consultants and people running the campaign who are kind of, you know, conservative . . . fiscal conservative types from D.C. and stuff."

So just rest assured that the recall people ain't full of bullcrap or nothin' like Jim Suttle. I mean, would they lie to you?


PAY NO ATTENTION to those media people behind the curtains telling you about a 2-percent restaurant tax.

No! No! It's a 15-percent tax! Yeah . . . that's the ticket!

Seriously, man. Would a petition-consulting company that's "all over" lie to you, Mr. Voter? No!

And not only would such a big company. . . one that's "like a conservative, libertarian, sort of tea-party effort" . . . not only would it not lie to you about a 15-percent tax, it'll help defray the cost of a recall vote just to show you that the guys in charge are as swell a bunch of guys as ever tried to run a mayor out of office.


TRUST US, the taxpayers won't have to pay a dime for a slew of special elections.

How? Ancient Chinese secret . . . money men!

"Well, if we run with a spring election it won't cost anything extra. But we do have backers that, if they say it's gotta be a special election, we have backers that are willing to pay it."

Who are these backers of whom you speak?

"Well, I'm not sure who all these money men are, but they're, they're the ones who are behind this."

Oh.


AS IT turns out, the "money men" are . . . the federal government! Just the kind of fiscal-conservative, libertarian, tea-party solution that we need!

I don't know why we never thought that the conservative, libertarian, tea-party recall organizers would have all the federal-funding-of-local-elections bases covered.

See, a recall vote would be mostly paid for with federal money "because it's an election."

It all makes so much sense if you don't think about it.

Your Daily '80s: Fight the last war, lose the next

Fall 1983.

Apple and its co-founder, Steve Jobs, have massed it forces for a frontal assault on the Evil Empire, otherwise known as IBM. The Macintosh attacked the Empire early in 1984, then fell back under a withering assault from . . . Microsoft and its new Windows operating system.

Jobs left Apple in 1985, victim of a botched coup d'etat against the CEO he hired, John Sculley. Apple was nearly broke by 1997 . . . at which point Jobs came back to lead a renaissance of the company, which began to dominate in products not Macintosh.

Now behemoth Apple girds for battle with behemoth Google as behemoth Microsoft continues being Microsoft but can't compete with Jobs in anything except the operating-system market. Right now, Apple looks unbeatable.

And it will until it is.

There's a moral in that -- not that anybody ever pays attention to it.

Borrowing your demagoguery

The trouble with Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal is that he's just so very unoriginal.

He stole his name from Bobby Brady and The Brady Bunch. He stole his response to President Obama's 2009 congressional address from Mister Rogers.

And now he's stolen the bright idea of demagoguing university sabbaticals from the Iowa Republican Party. He picked up that idea, no doubt, during all the time he's spent in the Hawkeye State -- as opposed to his own.

In November, as reported by The Daily Reveille, this was the Jindal Administration's party line against such "bad values in education" as the state's flagship university, LSU:

State Commissioner of Administration Paul Rainwater says Gov. Bobby Jindal's office is looking into University faculty workloads to see if students are getting the best return for their tuition.

"It's important to make sure resources are focused on the classroom and the students and taxpayers get the most value from investments," Rainwater said.

Rainwater said instructors in the LSU System are teaching 77 percent more credit hours than tenured professors. Instructors at the Baton Rouge campus teach 133 percent more, he said.

One area where faculty members do less teaching than instructors is in sabbaticals — a leave of absence to focus on research, writing or acquiring new knowledge. Rainwater said tenured faculty earn the right to have a sabbatical but not during a budget crunch.

"At a time when we're facing a very large deficit, I think it's important that we justify what sabbaticals are taken," Rainwater said.

NOT ONLY is Jindal unoriginal, he's milquetoasty. He's an Iowa Republican watered down to the point of BLECCH!

Watered down and nine months late.

In February, the Republicans in the Iowa House sought to eliminate every single sabbatical at its regents universities -- Iowa, Iowa State and Northern Iowa -- for the next year at a savings of . . . $6 million.

The Iowa Board of Regents had considered canceling sabbaticals in December 2009, but ultimately decided such a move would harm recruitment and retention of faculty, as well as create disruptions in research and a logjam of future sabbatical requests. There were 111 requests for sabbaticals across the three universities for the 2010-11 academic year -- down 25 percent from the previous year.

The University of Iowa led the pack with 52 sabbaticals for professors. Iowa State requested 37 and Northern Iowa 18.

A year later, the ascendant Iowa Republicans are at it again. The state's GOP lawmakers propose -- again -- banning all university sabbaticals. And the new House speaker, Kraig Paulsen, is leading the charge against the eggheads, saying taxpayers just can't afford to give profs a paid "year off."

From an Associated Press article Wednesday:

But professors said the savings Republicans are promising won't materialize, and the move would cost universities in grant money and productivity.

Sabbaticals -- a paid semester or year off from teaching to write books, conduct research, create classes and write grant proposals -- are standard practice at major research universities across the nation. But at a time when other employees are facing pay cuts and furloughs, they have become an easy target for critics and an area where universities can cut to show they are making sacrifices, too.

Several schools across the country have already reduced or canceled sabbaticals, according to the American Association of University Professors. The University of Iowa has cut its sabbaticals in half over two years.

John Curtis, director of research and public policy for AAUP, said he was unaware of any case where lawmakers rather than schools themselves have cut sabbaticals, and he doubted that it would become a trend because of the tiny amount of potential savings.

"I'm sure they feel it has great symbolic value," he said. "But the loss, of course, is what the whole purpose of sabbatical is: to allow faculty members to do research, to engage in understanding new developments in their discipline and then to bring all of that back to their teaching."

A potential fight is already brewing in Iowa, where its three public universities have asked the Board of Regents to approve sabbaticals for professors in the budget year that begins July 1. Details are expected to be made public Thursday.

The regents could approve the requests next week, but Paulsen said they should allow for public debate on the plan to cancel them first.

"It seems to be tough budgetary times. Why should the taxpayers of Iowa be paying to basically give these folks a year off from teaching?" asked Paulsen, a Hiawatha Republican who will lead a chamber that flipped to Republican control in November. "It's as simple as that."

Board of Regents President David Miles said through a spokeswoman that he will withhold comment until next week's meeting. Last year, he urged presidents of the three public universities to ensure any sabbaticals "serve to enhance the core missions of the universities."

The University of Iowa has asked the regents to approve 58 sabbaticals for next year, a slight increase after two years of sharp cuts, said Faculty Senate President Edwin Dove, who defended the practice. UI professors wrote 26 books in 2009 while on sabbatical, published 147 research articles, created and updated nearly 100 classes, and submitted 50 grant applications, Dove said.

SO IN IOWA, we have a debate over highly debatable savings in the mid-seven-figure range. But hang on a second:

House Republicans have said their plan would save $6 million and be part of a budget-cutting package introduced next year. But their projected savings apparently includes salaries that professors will earn whether they are on sabbatical or not. The actual savings would be the roughly $250,000 universities spend to hire replacement teachers, university officials said.

THE STATE'S GOP legislative contingent would appear to be disingenuous here, at a minimum. Some might say they're just playing the booboisie for a bunch of suckers, trying to appear as if they're doing something while proposing next to nothing.

At a minimum.

So, back in Louisiana, what to make of Jindal's quixotic demonizing of LSU professors?

Well, let me put it this way: Remember the number of sabbaticals Iowans have been fighting over? Keep that figure -- 111 . . . 50-something of that total at UI -- in mind.

This year, LSU has 19 professors on sabbatical. Nineteen.

One-nine.

One less than 20.

That's what the Jindal Administration has seen fit to harp over whenever someone frets about a worst-case $60-something million cut to Louisiana's flagship university next year. We're probably not even talking about a million bucks in highly debatable savings, here.

One thing, however, has become crystal clear. What Louisiana's absentee governor lacks in the originality or comprehensiveness of his demagoguery, he certainly makes up in audacity.

Truth in bannerizing

Louisiana unveiled a new state flag last week, which looks a lot like the old state flag.

Unfortunately, I think the new state banner lacks certain qualities that make for a good flag. For one thing, any clue about what the place is, who the people have become and what they aspire to.

Reading the New Orleans Times-Picayune story about the whole deal, you'd have no clue, though. The reporter makes it sound like everything in Bannerland is hunky dory:

The flag's design is similar to the existing flag but the brown pelican, the state bird, is more sophisticated and has three red drops of blood flowing from its breast, said Jacques Berry, chief spokesman for Secretary of State Tom Schedler's office.

The new design was required by a bill passed by Rep. Damon Baldone, D-Houma, during the 2006 legislative session based on the historical research of Joseph Louviere, a Houma student, which indicated the existing pelican seal did not have the bird tearing at its breast.

Historical descriptions of the blue flag include the three drops of blood, described as a sign of the state's willingness to sacrifice itself for its citizens. The design goes back to medieval times, when people believed pelicans fed chicks with their blood.

Unveiling the new flag took place at the conclusion of the dual inaugurations of Lt. Gov. Jay Dardenne, who had been secretary of state; and Schedler, who served as Dardenne's first assistant and was sworn in as secretary of state.

I WOULD HAVE rung up an expert or two at Louisiana State University for comment on political symbolism and whatnot, but they were all laid off last semester. Gov. Bobby Jindal likewise was unavailable for comment as he wraps up the Jupiter leg of his book tour.

Anyway, there's not much more to say about the whole deal. I'll just leave you with a more historically, politically and sociologically correct banner (top), which I make available to the Gret Stet free of charge.

Of course, the way things are going in my home state, even free might be too rich for its blood. All three legally specified drops of it.

Your Daily '80s: Me, myself and I yi yi

In 1982, Charlene wanted to take a very short, very annoying journey to herself. Because she'd never been there.

You think she would have made it there after the original release of "I've Never Been to Me" in 1977, but she didn't. So there she was again five bloody years later, vowing she'd really make it this time. You go, girl.

No, really. Go.

Frankly, I think she started out there and never left. Oh, goody.


OF COURSE, having been to himself in 1981, Billy Idol could serve as Charlene's guide to that particular destination.

While they're doing some trip planning, you can go to the comments on SongMeanings and watch people argue over whether or not "Dancing With Myself" is about playing with oneself. Which would be a whole other kind of futility.

Wasting your time debating that, I mean. Or reading about debating that.

Or, yeah, for that matter, that.

Why am I not surprised?

An anti-recall group is sending out postcards to people whose names appeared on recall petitions asking if they intended to sign on to the campaign to remove Mayor Jim Suttle from office.

Noelle Obermeyer, co-treasurer of Forward Omaha, said Monday that postcards were mailed last week to some petition signers, although she didn't know the exact number. She said the postcards ask people to call the Forward Omaha office to report any potential problems.

“We've had people call back and say, ‘I signed the petition, but I didn't know it was to recall the mayor,'” Obermeyer said.

-- Omaha World-Herald

Your Daily '80s: X 'mas' the spot

Wot? It's the end of bloody November?

Well, it's Christmastime, then, innit?

And if it's bloody Christmastime, then -- Yuletide, as it were -- it bloody well's time to commence with the nickin' of hilarious Christmas shows off of YouTube, innit? I thought I'd, meself, personally commence with this 1987 offering from the BBC.

The Homemade Xmas Video is, in fact, is every bit as hilarious as A Christmas Story.


Only weirder.


And shorter.


And British.

Brilliant!

Well, while we at it. . . .

Is it a twister, or is it just Clovis?

I hear a tornado done hit Yazoo City, Miss., this evening. That's the second one this year.

I always worry about bad weather like that in Yazoo City. There's always the chance that folks will hear the big roar coming and just mistake it for Clovis Ledbetter walking down the road.

Well, at least they can get his brother Marcel to cut up all the debris. And then Clovis can haul it off.

Avoid the clap. Just look at the Big 12.

Texas is like the clap. It's something you want to avoid.

Look at what happened when a perfectly fine athletic conference got all liquored up back in 1994 and hopped in the sack with a bunch of floozies from thereabouts. Not only was it not better in Texas, but the Big 8 ended up with a wicked case of SWC-philis.

And not only that, a TV network had the videotapes, and a shotgun marriage was in Big 8's future. The new union ended up being called the Big 12 -- as in, "Come to think of it, not even a big 12-pack of beer could make this bunch look prettier at closing time."

Unfortunately, a shotgun marriage -- while it might have kept the videotapes in ABC's vault (and the Big 8 from becoming a celebrity like Paris Hilton) -- did nothing to cure that now-raging case of SWC-philis. Big 12 grew sickly as the years passed and, as the SWC-philis moved into its brain, became prone to irrational rages and sank into a quagmire of co-dependency.

"I hate this SWC-philis. How could I go on without my SWC-philis? Pass me another big 12-pack of Lone Star. (Urp.) Still uglier than s***. Kill me now, I married a f***ing cow. No, really."

ALAS, this is an ill-fated union that won't end until the fat Longhorn sings "Vaya con dios, mi sucker."

Until then, all there is left to do is endure the irrational ranting of The SWC-philitic Formerly Known as Big 8 as its appendages fall off one by one. For example, this insane rant, penned under the pseudonym of "Berry Trammel" (God, the poor bastard can't even spell names right anymore):

Such is the fractured relationship of Nebraska and its soon-to-be ex-league, you couldn't blame Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe for telling the Cornhuskers, don't leave, just leave mad.

Corn Country is outraged that Beebe — nor anyone from the Big 12 office — showed up in Lincoln for the Nebraska-Colorado game Friday.

Beebe was honest about why he didn't go to Nebraska. He feared for his safety.

I talked to Beebe in the Boone Pickens press box Saturday night, and he said he had received enough threats from Nebraska fans — over the 2009 title game controversy, over his suspension of NU's Eric Martin for a helmet-to-helmet hit against Oklahoma State, over the officiating in the Nebraska-Texas A&M game two weeks ago — that he was advised to steer clear of Lincoln.

Now the Huskers consider it an affront that no one bothered to conduct a trophy presentation for the Big 12's North division title.

SIGH. They say that when the mind is being eaten up by the SWC-philis, gullibility is always the last thing to go.

Poor, poor bastard. God knows that's what got him into trouble in the first place. Read on . . . if your breaking heart can bear it:

I don't think Nebraska's football standards have fallen so low that the Huskers prize a We-Beat-Mizzou piece of hardware. I just think a once-solid fan base has lost its collective mind.

Nebraskans have resorted to bloodlust over their exodus to the Big Ten. They've demonized the Longhorns. Called the rest of the league rubes for staying aligned with UT.

Hey, Huskers. The Big Ten is a great conference that offers lots of money and lots of intriguing competition. Nobody blames you for going.

We blame you for losing your class.

Last November, one calendar year, I wrote a column with a banner headline: “Why can't every place be like Lincoln?”

I applauded Nebraska's commitment to hospitality and courtesy and a stadium experience the way it ought to be.

What happened to those people? Now Nebraska seems inhabited by a bunch of kooks who frighten off Beebe, an ex-NCAA investigator, and fire off uncouth e-mails like they're from Louisiana or somewhere.

POOR BASTARD. Stockholm syndrome.

Kids, let this be a cautionary tale about what happens when you jump into the sack with just anybody. Loss of virtue is just the beginning of the end result. You, too, could end up with a raging case of SWC-philis. And that's never pretty.

Avoid the clap.

A mighty itch

"No, sir, we don't do that. If you'd like, we can refer you to the TSA."

Or, in Nebraska, to the Texas A&M football team.