Looka this beaut right here! The '03 Iraqi Freedom!

More fantastical jibberish from our Crazy Uncle in the White House, as reported by The Washington Post:

Administration officials have said that they hope to draw down forces substantially by the time Iraq reaches such a state, transitioning to a more limited mission aimed at supporting Iraqi forces and hunting down al-Qaeda cells. Officials said Bush's decision signals the beginning of what one called a "gradual change in mission" toward turning the lead role over to the Iraqis, and away from population security, the priority adopted in January when Bush announced the "surge."

The president's upbeat assessment of the situation in Iraq during a nationally televised address last night was clouded by the killing earlier in the day of a Sunni sheik who led the turnaround of a key province in alliance with U.S. forces. While Bush stressed the positive, his staff finished work on a report it will send to Congress today concluding that Iraq is making "satisfactory" progress on nine of 18 political and security benchmarks, just one more than in July, administration sources said.

But the president said such progress is enough to justify the beginning of a modest pullout, starting with 5,700 troops by Christmas. "Now, because of the measure of success we are seeing in Iraq, we can begin seeing troops come home," he said from the Oval Office. "The way forward I have described tonight makes it possible, for the first time in years, for people who have been on opposite sides of this difficult debate to come together."

He coined a new slogan to describe his latest strategy, "Return on Success," meaning further progress will enable further withdrawal. "The more successful we are, the more American troops can return home," he said. "And in all we do, I will ensure that our commanders on the ground have the troops and flexibility they need to defeat the enemy."

At the same time, Bush warned that substantial numbers of U.S. troops will be in Iraq for years to come. Iraqi leaders "understand that their success will require U.S. political, economic and security engagement that extends beyond my presidency," he said, although he said such a scenario "requires many fewer American troops."

WHERE HAVE I GOTTEN this routine before? Oh yeah, the last time we took our Chevy to the dealership for repairs.

Does anybody know where George Bush is finding his advisers?

Riiiiiight.

* * *

President George W. Bush
White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C.


July 4, 2004


Mr. President:


I was happy to go along with your suggestion and purchase the new 2003 Iraqi Freedom, even though my 1979 Saddam -- admittedly not a prize of a vehicle -- was mostly serviceable and had passed the state inspection.

Despite my initial misgivings, I had every hope that the new Iraqi Freedom would turn out to be an excellent purchase. Even though it showed little sign of being able to pay for itself through producing more gas and oil than it consumed -- How was that supposed to work again? -- I thought that once I got it broken in, it would be a fine car. I was even planning a major road trip in it.

However, sir, this past nine months, the damned thing has given me nothing but trouble.

First, the thing kept getting vapor locked in bad neighborhoods, which led to the car being looted several times while I was waiting for the AAA wrecker. Then, the windshield wipers ceased working in unison with the little washer-fluid dealy, and I would keep having to lean out the window to wipe the windshield with my handkerchief.

Then the brakes went out, which really was most unfortunate for little Timmy O'Malley, God rest his soul. It was the first time his mother let him ride his bike in the street.

And now the gas tank on the son of a bitch has sprung a leak. I am really sorry I bought this thing.

What does Federal Motors propose to do to make this right for me, not to mention the O'Malleys?


Sincerely,

Mighty Favog

Mr. Mighty Favog
1234 Verisimiltudinous Lane
Omaha, NE

Sept. 14, 2004


Dear Mr. Favog,

I am sorry that you claim to have problems with your new 2003 Iraqi Freedom. Our technicians have checked out the vehicle thoroughly and, while they did find some specs to be out of tolerance, there is nothing irredeemably wrong with the vehicle.

Indeed, I predict that your 2003 Iraqi Freedom will get better and better, and in no time at all will be the envy of all your neighbors. Your hair will lose gray, your manhood will increase, and women will strip off their clothes and throw themselves at you.

And your wife won't mind.

Nevertheless, we will make sure that our technicians work with you to iron out any remaining niggling problems with the 2003 Iraqi Freedom, and I foresee that those technicians will have everything worked out presently. Now, if you would be so good as to remit an additional $12,437.95, we can get right to work on making your vehicle just like new. Better, even!

I must warn you, however, that failure to purchase the additional servicing may result in your 2003 Iraqi Freedom exploding in your garage, burning down your house and endangering the lives of yourself, your wife and your dogs.

Sincerely,

George W. Bush,
President, Federal Motor Car Co.

President George W. Bush
White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C.


March 24, 2005


Bush:


Listen, I paid for the additional servicing on my 2003 Iraqi Freedom to correct all the remaining "minor issues" with the vehicle. Since that time, your technicians are at my house every day, they're drinking my liquor and being inappropriately familiar with Mrs. Favog . . . and the damned car still is acting up.

Just the other day, as I was driving home from work, the damn thing threw a rod, seizing the engine, and fouling the entire engine compartment with smoking oil.

The techs say I have to buy a new engine -- at a cost of $7,349.87 -- to keep the warranty in force. I want to know when the $#!%&!* warranty is going to actually COVER something!

By the way, the vinyl seats stick to my butt even in the winter. THIS CAR IS A LEMON!

What do you propose to do to make me whole in this matter?


-- Favog



Mr. Mighty Favog
1234 Verisimiltudinous Lane
Omaha, NE


Dec. 8, 2005


Dear Mr. Favog,


I am sorry that you claim to still have problems with your 2003 Iraqi Freedom. Our technicians have checked out the vehicle thoroughly and, while they did find some specs to be out of tolerance, there is nothing irredeemably wrong with the vehicle. The rod thing was a total aberration.

Indeed, I predict that your 2003 Iraqi Freedom will get better and better, and in no time at all will be the envy of all your neighbors. Your hair will lose gray, your manhood will increase, and women will strip off their clothes and throw themselves at you.

And your wife won't mind.

Nevertheless, we will make sure that our technicians work with you to iron out any remaining niggling problems with the 2003 Iraqi Freedom, and I foresee that those technicians will have everything worked out presently. Now, if you would be so good as to remit an additional $45,928.99, we can get right to work on making your vehicle just like new. Better, even!

I must warn you, however, that failure to purchase the additional servicing may result in your 2003 Iraqi Freedom accidentally starting up, engaging into reverse and running over you as you get ready to drive to work.


Sincerely,

George W. Bush,
President, Federal Motor Car Co.

President George W. Bush
White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C.

Jan. 12, 2007


YOU GRAVY SUCKING PIG, BUSH!!!!!!!!

Your %#&!*@ grease monkey bastards have gotten my wife pregnant with the Spawn of Cheney, they have drunk all my beer, kicked my dog and puked all over my bathroom floor. My 2003 Iraqi Freedom continues to malfunction, despite all your lying, grandiose promises!

You are the scum of the earth, and I want this car OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY! I tried to drive it to work, and it damned near electrocuted me when I turned on the ignition. Then it backfired, and the wheels fell off.

Why the hell should I pay another fargin' nickel to keep this citrusy piece of crap in my possession? I wish to cut my losses, and I will never buy another vehicle from you again.

I would ask for my 1979 Saddam back, except that you promptly sent it to the compactor as soon as I traded it in.

You bastard! Take this car back, NOW!


-- Favog

Mr. Mighty Favog
1234 Verisimiltudinous Lane
Omaha, NE


Sept. 13, 2007


Mr. Favog:


Gen. Petraeus, our chief of mechanic services, informs me that all is not lost re: your 2003 Iraqi Freedom, and that it is yet possible to make the vehicle better than new . . . as well as get you some neighbor-lady action as good as the "hospitality" our techs received at your domicile.

And your wife won't mind. "WHISKEY! SEXY! MOTORCARS!" is our motto for very good reasons, I assure you.

Trust me, you didn't want that 1979 Saddam back. It was bad news.

We will make sure that our technicians work with you to iron out any remaining niggling problems with the 2003 Iraqi Freedom, and I foresee that those technicians will have everything worked out presently. Now, if you would be so good as to remit an additional $97,718.87, we can get right to work on making your vehicle just like new. Better, even!

I must warn you, however, that failure to purchase the additional servicing may result in your 2003 Iraqi Freedom launching an attack on Iranian air defenses and nuclear facilities, and you unfortunately will get the blame. It is your car, after all.


Sincerely,

George W. Bush,
President, Federal Motor Car Co.