Crying on the breeze, the pain is calling, oh Mandy

Lisa “Robochick” Nowak

General Delivery

Orlando, FL 32801

Dear Mrs. Nowak,

First of all, let me express my deepest sympathies over your present legal predicament. Life's a bitch, then you get busted.

But look on the bright side of life: It has come to my attention that William Oefelein is not interested in Colleen Shipman in the slightest. So, while it is indeed a bummer that you drove 900 miles in a soggy pair of Depends to "talk" (wink, wink . . . nudge, nudge) with Miss Shipman, at least the little Air Force floozy ain't makin' time with the Astronaut You Love.

That's the good news.

UNFORTUNATELY, MRS. NOWAK . . . . May I call you "Robochick"? Thanks.

Unfortunately, Robochick, I have come across evidence that the Astronaut You Love is involved with presidential candidate John Edwards' new blogmistress. (See attached photo.)

This Amanda Marcotte person is a bad one, Robochick. I cannot repeat here the kinds of bigoted, hateful, foul, nasty and ugly things she has written online. I mean, I don't know you well enough to talk dirty with you -- and I imagine you would prefer to save that kind of talk for the Astronaut You Love.

Suffice it to say that my mama told me that a woman who writes filthy dirty hateful smut like this blogmistress is no lady. If you are OK with sullying yourself while still in the midst of your present ordeal, you may check out Kathryn Jean Lopez's column at National Review Online.

Once again, I must caution you that a woman of your refinement and position will be scandalized by such as can be found there. This Amanda Marcotte of AUSTIN, TEXAS -- a city not far off of a route you know quite well, by the way (and surely will require less than a pack of diapers) -- is an eeeeeeevil woman, Robochick.

The Astronaut You Love deserves better than such an angry harridan. He deserves someone more in line with your particular charms and refinement.

You have sacrificed greatly for love, yet when the sacrifice is for a loved one, it is no sacrifice at all. I know you know this. That is why I felt compelled to inform you that the Astronaut You Love is still in mortal danger from the claws of another woman (I hesitate to call this Amanda Marcotte of AUSTIN, TEXAS a lady, for she does not exhibit the qualities thereof).

Godspeed, Robochick. I think you know what you have to do.

Best wishes,

The Mighty Favog